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In an English train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a
spectacular looking blonde and an awful looking
fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass
through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When
they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
1) The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and
by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must
have
slapped his face".
2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the
blonde and she smacked him".
3) The Frenchman thought - "That f'ing Englishman put his hand on that
blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
4) The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can
smack that French twat again".
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Posted: 2002-06-28 11:58:00
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On a Greyhound bus headed who knows where, three strangers
meet and start conversing about the recent worldly events.
The strangers were of varying cultures. One was a native
American. Another was a cowboy from Texas. The other person
was a devout Muslim. During their conversation, they began
to discuss their cultural history. The native American stated,
"once my people were many, now we are few." The Muslim then
chimed in and said, "once my people were few and now we are
many." The cowboy looked at the Muslim and said with a sly
grin, "that's cause we ain't played cowboys and Muslims, yet!"
***********************************************************************
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at
the windshields of air-liners, military jets and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a
gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed
into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through
the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded
itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The
horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along
with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for
suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."
*************************************************************************************************************
One of the city's top cardiac specialist died. At his
funeral, the coffin was placed in front of a huge mockup
of a heart made up of red flowers. When the pastor finished
with his sermon, and after everyone said their good-byes,
the large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the
heart closed again.
At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a fit of
laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to
him asked, "Why are you laughing?"
"I was just looking forward to my own funeral," the man replied...
"I'm a gynecologist."
--
Posted: 2002-06-28 11:58:00
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ha ha ha ha great jokes more more
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Posted: 2002-06-28 12:08:00
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A letter to the editor of The Times
Sir,
Driving to the office this morning on the M5, I looked over to my left and
there
was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 85 KM/H with her face up next to
her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!
It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of
trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering
wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the
coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone and! DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--
Posted: 2002-06-28 12:26:00
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Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went
to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty
Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled
labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since
diesel
fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his
pay.
The Clerk explained "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters
are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts
them over his head and says, "Yah, diesel fitter."
*********************************************
Doctor David Wilson had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty
all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while
he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:
"David, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one
of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it
go......"
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"David, you're a vet...."
--
Posted: 2002-06-28 12:27:00
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A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately
falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, sir, you should know five things....
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
--
Posted: 2002-06-28 12:27:00
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A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...
Mr Smith: I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results.
Receptionist: Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2
sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which is yours.
I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One set shows Alzheimer's
Disease, the other shows AIDS.
Mr Smith: That's awful! What should I do?
Receptionist: The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town.
If she finds her way home, don't shag her.
--
Posted: 2002-06-28 12:28:00
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9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room
for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the
channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I
paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What they on about?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?
--
Posted: 2002-06-28 12:28:00
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http://www.tv4.se/lattjo/kojan/bilbanan.asp
Something for when you get bored!!!
--
Posted: 2002-06-28 12:29:00
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Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar
counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya...Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and a
redhead came up to me... boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a
ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave, I turned off the key and I said 'It's either
screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end
of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.
Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came
up to me, boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can
have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one.
I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She
couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there
cryin' over a beer.
Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to
me...boobies WAY out to here, Dave. Boobies WAY out to here. I had more
wood than my boat does!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you
can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,Dave, way WAAAYYY
out...much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at
her boobies and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.... She had a d!ck, Dave! She had
this great BIG f##ken d!ck!........
And I can't swim Dave! I can't f##ken swim man!!!!!!"
--
Posted: 2002-06-28 12:30:00
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