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A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!" "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
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A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head.
Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.
The woman reporter shouted out
"This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!".
Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers,
"I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!"
The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".
So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen.
Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50.
The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money.
I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff."
And the blonde says
"Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!"
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Posted: 2004-01-18 11:09:21
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Little Alice comes to her mama and says:
- I met this guy today on the street and he said that if i suck his penis, he'll give me THESE ear-rings here!
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Posted: 2004-01-19 02:57:26
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Posted: 2004-01-28 12:00:07
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A man get's to a therapist's room and starts:
- "Doctor I came here because i feel so bad. Everyone just ignores me.
The doctor shouts:
- "NEXT!"
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Posted: 2004-01-28 12:06:02
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A woman, getting married for the fourth time,
goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.
"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk,
"You've been married three times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.
"Unfortunately not", the bride explained.
"My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it.
My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it.
My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"
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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet,
Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said,
"Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
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A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."
The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?"
The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?".
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
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A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall.
"Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her.
Could you please help me?"
"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.
"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.
"How's that going to help?" she asks.
"No idea really... but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours,
my wife appears out of nowhere."
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John, Brian, and Martin were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little 'shine, and talking about their dumb ole' hillbilly wives.
"You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store 'tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, we ain't got no 'lectricity!"
The other two just howl with laughter.
Brian the Miniature says, "Hell, that ain't nothing -- my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! We ain't got no runnin' water!"
That one nearly slayed 'em.
Martin wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. 'tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers -- hell, she ain't got no dick!"
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There were two truck drivers in a truck riding down the interstate when
one of them told the other one he had to take a dump.
Since they were on the road and there were no truck stops for miles,
he decided to stop the truck and go behind a bush and do his business
but there was only one problem...he didnt have any toilet paper.
He asked his partner if he had some paper.He didn't have any paper,
but suggested that his friend wipe with a dollar.
The man agreed and went behind the bush and handled his business.
He came from behind the bush with poop all over his hand
so his partner asked him what happened and he replied,
"Do you know how hard it is to wipe your ass with four quarters?"
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At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2004-01-29 17:54 ]
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Posted: 2004-01-28 18:43:27
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darn good ones mate...it's really good but u din hafta repeat the last one
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Posted: 2004-01-29 04:18:49
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ooops! edited it now
Prison V Work
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer. IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.AT WORK...they are called managers
[ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2004-01-29 18:08 ]
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Posted: 2004-01-29 18:54:42
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rite on again mate.....as usual.....
and who said crime doesn't pay
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Posted: 2004-01-30 02:27:40
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@eleventy7: u shud check this thread out and follow the link...its xcellent
CyberSex Gone Wrong!!
_________________
If it looks like shit, feels like shit, smells like shit & tastes like shit...it's prolly a NOKIA!!!
[ This Message was edited by: shithappens on 2004-01-30 02:04 ]
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Posted: 2004-01-30 03:02:57
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prision! Hmm thats an idea! Neeh think il raher go to Lumpaland first.
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Posted: 2004-01-30 05:22:47
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