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Posted: 2004-02-04 22:23:04
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i'll second that
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Posted: 2004-02-05 06:47:45
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The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he noticed the size of his manhood. I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's private bit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. The bartender replied, "Yes." So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money. A whole 4 cents." "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lip began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice,I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .............. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and even your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
NEVER Step on a Duck - Redneck Edition
Clarence, Billy Bob and Bubba were travelling through Europe on military leave when they came across a strange old town, protected by an ancient stone wall. They were getting hungry, and decided to stop and look for something to eat. A guard dressed in heavy leather and chain mail met them at the gate.
"You may enter," said the guard, "But we have one rule here: Never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished!"
Clarence, Billy Bob, and Bubba thought this was strange, but since they were hungry they passed through the gate, and found that there were ducks everywhere! It was a impossible to keep from stepping on one!
It was only a matter of time when Clarence accidentally stepped on a duck. Suddenly, a troop of guards stormed down the street and carried him away in chains! He was taken to prison and thrown into a cell with the meanest, ugliest woman you ever saw!
Billy Bob and Bubba saw this, and were extremely careful not to step on any ducks, but sure enough, it was only a few minutes until Billy Bob stepped on one!
Billy Bob was immedietly chained to a woman even uglier than the first one; She was fat, and dirty, and nagged constantly!
By this time Bubba was afraid to even take a step! It took him a half an hour just to walk a single block. Suddenly, for no reason, a guard ran up to Bubba and chained him to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen! She was tall, with blue eyes and long blonde hair, and wore a stunning red dress, all decked out in diamonds and gold! She must have been a princess! Bubba couldn't believe his eyes!
"What did I ever do to deserve this?" asked Bubba.
"I don't know what you did," said the princess, "But I stepped on a duck!"
NEVER Step on a Duck - Heavenly Edition
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... Don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck. Along comes St. Peter with another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then, one day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... tall, muscular and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
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Posted: 2004-02-09 11:25:49
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Posted: 2004-02-10 08:32:17
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I'll post here a bit later (read: when I'll translate it into english) a "Chronicles of the sabotage subdivision" It's very cool!
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Posted: 2004-02-10 16:02:15
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Two sharks were swimming in the irish sea. One says to the other, im feeling a bit hungry, what do you fancy for dinner?
SEcond shark replies, well i'm sick of fish, lets f*ck off to morcambe and get a chineese take out!.
buddum chaa
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Posted: 2004-02-10 17:16:58
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A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
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Posted: 2004-02-10 21:11:02
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Emotional Turmoil ...(HILARIOUS)
> Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
> long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The
guilt
> and sense of betrayal was overwhelming, but, every once in a while, he'd
> hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it.
> You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you
> won't be the last. And plus, you're single. Just let it go.
>
> " But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
> whispering: "Dave, you're a vet..."
>
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Posted: 2004-02-10 21:20:16
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Clever grandmother
The doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her adult life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told
her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew
wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!
"She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the
glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
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Posted: 2004-02-15 22:59:35
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Stupid People
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say,"I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."
_________________
This just-married Chinese coupled decide to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy condom from the shop nearby.
When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off... While the husband was out, an Indian thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the Indian and happily screwed away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
In the mean time, the husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realised that he had only one 20-sen coin. He asked the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which quality that he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 sen each.
The black condom, average quality, is 20 sen each.
And purple condom, the highest quality, is 25 sen each".
So, the husband chose the black condom as he had only 20 sen with him.
When he reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife and started making love. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic after the "first" session.
A year later, the wife gave birth to a "black" baby boy. When the baby grows up, he asks the father, "Pa, why am I black and you are white?" The father replied, "You are damn lucky already boy...... 5 sen more and you would be PURPLE now!!!!!!"
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Posted: 2004-03-02 06:12:18
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