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always a funny dude eh shits?
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Posted: 2004-05-06 11:19:37
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just kind free today is all...besides this glorious thread needs a bit of revivin
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Posted: 2004-05-06 11:24:38
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Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words:
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls
into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
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Posted: 2004-05-25 03:25:45
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A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his
grandfather "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied...."Those plates are as clean as cold water can get
them so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you
sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't
ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog
started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," he complained.
Without diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather
shouted, "Coldwater, move! Get out of the way"
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Posted: 2004-05-28 02:08:53
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Catching A Tan
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
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Posted: 2004-05-30 14:09:57
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now that's wat i call, lunch time entertainment
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Posted: 2004-05-31 03:23:34
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A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.
On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, 'Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you??' The girl replied, 'No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!'
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Posted: 2004-06-04 22:05:27
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here was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very
pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working with him at his office. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He became quite smitten with her and after a while it became obvious that she was very interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with his girlfriend.
He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine
slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and
singing and smiling and singing.
What was he Singing???
Get ready, it's good...
"I can see Clearly now .... Lorraine is gone...."
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Posted: 2004-06-10 02:04:05
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next wud come "I can see
all obstacles in my way"
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Posted: 2004-06-10 02:59:47
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Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET
LESSONS.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
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Posted: 2004-06-11 04:27:09
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