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To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
___________________________________________________________
The Differences between men and women
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named
Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a
pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner,
and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought
occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it
aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing
each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a
very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it
bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined
by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into
some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this
kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little
more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really
want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . .
. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing
each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I
ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this
person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's
see ...February when we started going out, which was right after
I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the
odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more
from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he
has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some
reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant
to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being
rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's
still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on
the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees
out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck,
and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd
be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this,
but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting
for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm
sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy
being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems
to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my
self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it
right up their....
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . .Oh
God, I feel so....."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no
knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and
there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,"
Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up
with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes,
causing him to become very nervous about what she might say
next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets
back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV,
and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis
match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny
voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something
major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure
there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he
figures. it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also
Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two
of them, and they will talk about this situation for six
straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze
everything she said and everything he said, going over it time
and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture
for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for
weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions,
but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a
mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before
serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'
--
Posted: 2004-06-14 16:32:52
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how friggin true
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Posted: 2004-06-15 05:18:46
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that was a great way to pass time
by far the longest joke i ever read
couldn't help but burst out laughing when it came to the last line
A letter from an Indian mother to her son....
My dear Jagjit, I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.
Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, n that our address will remain same too. This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
P.S : Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
--
Posted: 2004-06-17 14:06:03
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2 brittish vampires walk into a bar... the first one asks the bartender for a Bloody Mary... Sure, no problem, says the bartender.. Then the second vampire orders a cup of hot water.. the 1st vampire asks: What's that good for? The 2nd vampire takes out a tampon and says with calm voice: It's tea time
--
Posted: 2004-06-17 15:22:35
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--
Posted: 2004-06-20 17:28:42
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Confucius
Confucius says...
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have
trouble putting on pants.
Confucius says...
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be
patient.
Confucius says...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to
undoing of fly.
Confucius says...
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Confucius says...
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make whole week.
Confucius says...
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find
nuts.
Confucius says...
Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt
up, than Man with pants down.
Confucius says...
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Confucius says...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his
luck.
Confucius says...
He who fishes in others' holes often catches
crabs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Is this a real prayer, I wonder?
Woman's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who's willy is thick and long
One who thinks before he speaks
When he promises to call, won't wait weeks
I pray that he is gainfully employed
And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door
Massages my back and begs to do more
Oh send me a man who makes love to my mind
Knows just what to say when I ask, "how big's my behind"?
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen
I pray that this man will love me no end
And never attempts to shag my best friend
And as I kneel and pray by my bed
I look at the shithead you sent me instead!!! Amen
--------------------------------------------------------------------
No offence to anyone here!!
Desert Island
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman.
2 French men and 1 French woman.
2 German men and 1 German woman.
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman.
2 English men and 1 English woman.
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman.
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman.
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman.
2 Kiwi men and 1 Kiwi woman.
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of
nowhere...
The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
"menage a trois".
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with
the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the
woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the
woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature
of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
The Australians are all wankers, so who cares?
The two Kiwi men start searching the island for sheep while the woman gets
friendly with a big banana she's found.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting
up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it
gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but
happily, at least they know the English aren't getting any...
--
Posted: 2004-06-22 12:54:07
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Posted: 2004-06-23 04:02:01
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Pervert scam
True Story -
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution
for the following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be
able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their
prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments
via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that
under the present law they are unable to supply the materials
and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their
customers' money in the form of a company check.
However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother
to present these to their banks. The name of the company: 'The
Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'.
___________________________________________________________
Funny quotes
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-Steve Bluestone-
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-George Carlin-
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres-
It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper
dryin' on the clothesline.
-George Lindsey-
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler-
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-John Mendoza-
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us
from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-Jeff Stilson-
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
-Jerry Seinfeld-
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother
is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
-Ellen DeGeneres-
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin-
--
Posted: 2004-06-23 19:56:05
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Dog Named Mypenis
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name
was Mypenis?
- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on
a leash.
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty
pounds! me(Rob)
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited
anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the
lady next door.
- If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and
hard to carry.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
- Help! I can't find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for
Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis
to the hospital.
- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
--
Posted: 2004-06-23 20:22:55
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chicken with an acute sense of humour, that is buluayam!
--
Posted: 2004-06-23 20:26:15
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