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Posted: 2002-06-28 19:10:00
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A-Bomb crap
This one shoots straight down at close to the speed of sound, resulting in a mushroom cloud of water that soaks your cheeks, the backs of your thighs, and (if you're unlucky) your trousers.
Above-the-rim crap (or the Other rim job for you naughty 'uns)
This exotic turd should be in Ripley's Believe it or Not! Everything feels normal while you're doing the dirty deed, yet when you stand up, you notice that your turpid torpedo has left a skid mark all the way up the side of the bowl and on the rim, as well, despite the clearly clean separation of the putrid projectile from your back passage. Because your crap has left its mark above the rim, no amount of flushing will help you - this one requires a good deal of effort with the toilet brush to erase the evidence.
Alcatraz crap
These huge multiple pieces of crap tear your rectum, causing you to bleed and making you feel like you were repeatedly gang-raped by sex starved prisoners.
A New Land Is Born crap
You crap so much that when you look into the bowl, you can't see any water at all. Columbus couldn't have been prouder.
Air crap
The kind were you fell so bloated that you figure you've really got to dump a big load. But when you get on the pot all you do is fart up a storm - this happens most often after you come home from a long road trip, and everyone's waiting for you to get out.
Almost-there-but-reluctant-to-drop crap
This is the kind of crap that is just about to be released, when all of a sudden it stays there between the water and your ass as if it were in limbo.
Anonymous crap
You get this one in big Dilbert-type office buildings: Noxious fumes flood the entire site, but nobody knows who did it.
Archer, The***
Behaves perfectly until it hits the toilet, at which point it shoots a single drop of cold water right up your still-open bunghole. A chilling experience.
Banana split crap***
One of the rarest craps around. A combination of precise conditions must coincide to execute the banana split crap. Firstly, the turd must be of a soft but NOT sloppy consistency. Secondly, you must have been sitting down for a prolonged period in humid conditions (warm office, summer driving, etc) such that a butt hair has become cemented across your back passage. When you eventually go for a crap, a remarkable "cheesewire" effect ensues and you end up with a longitudinally bisected pair of half-turds in the toilet.
Banana no-split crap***
Similar to the above, but the turd is too firm for the cheesewire effect to take place. Instead, one sits on the toilet screaming "ooch ouch ooch" until the pube either becomes unstuck or is pulled out at the root.
Beer-drunk-and-meat-pie crap
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your crap doesn't smell too bad but this one is really bad.... Usually this one happens at someone else's house with someone waiting outside, waiting to use the bathroom.
Box 'o chocolates crap
You never know what yer gonna git...
Bullet-in-a-gun crap
Most frequent in really warm weather... As soon as you sit on the can, it shoots out faster than a speeding bullet.
Bung burner
That painful, acidic crap that makes you feel like you wiped your bunghole with sandpaper.
Cannon crap
This crap is halfway out then is shot out of your butt like a cannonball by a loud fart. This usually happens when someone is waiting outside the door.
Cement block crap
The pain of childbirth has nothing on this one: You feel like your sphinchter is being stretched to previously unknown proportions, as if the crap were trying to exit your rectum sideways. You wish you had gotten a spinal block before you crapped.
Chinese crap
You crap once and then, an hour later, you have to crap again.
Cold-ass crap
When you hear the call of nature in the middle of the night, and don't want to turn any lights on, but some *#§&! left the seat up (see the Feminist crap below) - your bowels react to the shock by violently expelling their contents before you have a chance to jump up.
Cop-stopper crap (also known as the Commuter)
You're crusing along, minding your own business, when you hear Nature's call. Rather loudly, in fact. In your efforts to avoid soiling your shorts, you drive a bit faster than you should, and get pulled over. Cops are wont to let you go in such situations (not least because the passenger compartment is quite woofy by now).
Cork crap (also known as the Floater)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in the bowl... My God! How do I get rid of it?
Corn crap
No explanation needed for this one - just visualize it...
Coocoo crap (also known as the Swiss)
When you have to go really bad for a long time, but it won't come out right away, so you push real hard until it's about halfway out, then you stop pushing and it gets sucked back in.
Courtesy flush crap
When you're in a public lavatory and the stench being emitted from your anus is worse than open sewer plus fish stand, and you are simply overcome by your philanthropic urges (or embarassed as hell).
Crap of steel (also known as the Godzilla)
This one is so big and hard you need the jaws of life to get it out.
Curly-whirly crap ***
A number of factors, including the turd consistency and general condition of your rosette, may contribute to this phenomenon. One way or another, the turd contrives to curl upon exit. The first thing you know about it is when something taps you gently on one buttock.
Deja vu crap
You just swear you've seen this one somewhere before...
Dodgeball crap or Cluster bomb crap
This kind of crap comes out in about 100 pellets. The first 50 pellets soak your cheeks massively. Having learned from this, you try to dodge the last 50 pellets by pushing each one out about half way, then pushing real hard and jumping up real quick.
Energizer crap (also known as the Mud-Bunny)
It keeps going... and going... and going...
F-19 crap
Jalepeno peppers cause this one. A not so subtle reminder the day after you eat too much Mexican food. Your ass flares - flames come out - in no time at all, you're going through the ceiling at mach-1. Recommended vendor to achieve this crap:
False alarm crap
When out of the blue, you have to crap so bad you think you'll blow a hole in your pants, but as soon as you drop your drawers, the sensation goes away. Likes to repeat itself as soon as you've left the bathroom and gone back outside.
Family tree crap
You could swear it looks just like dear old Aunt Enda. And wouldn't you know it - it clogs up her john, too.
Feminist crap
Yells at you for leaving the seat up.
Fireball crap
Shoots out so fast, you think you set fire to your intestines through sheer friction...
Flu crap
You're so feverish, you can hardly get up in response to your rumbling stomach... as you rush to the bowl, you feel both the first signs of upchuck up above and the bubbly mass down below that says this one's pure liquid, baby. Better hope that you're real limber (or are lucky enough to have the sink basin right next to the toilet - and a very understanding cleaning woman).
Fly, The
This one sticks to the side of the bowl above the water line (how the hell did it get there?!?). Repeated flushing can't defeat it, so you're forced to reach for the coat hanger to knock it down.
Gas Chamber, The*
Found in seldom used and never cleaned outhouses at fishing camps in the deep south. This fetid pile of refuse creates such an overwhelming stench that when you open the door your eyes immediately begin to water, and you begin to choke as your lungs instinctively rebel against the poisonous gas.
Ghost crap
You know you've crapped. There's crap on the toilet paper but none in the toilet.
Gooey crap
This has the consistancy of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This crap leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet and normally occurs when the phone is ringing.
Grandpa-Killer crap
Every wonder why the elderly have to take all those stool softeners? This one can give them massive strokes because of its gigantic proportions.
Handi-Capable crap, The +* (also known as the "Special" crap)
This is an event in which you feel the onset of a crap so powerful that you have to use the handicapped stall due to the special requirement for handrails. This ensures that you can somewhat mitigate the torso spasms that result from the undue strain as you grind out this huge & painful turd.
Hellraiser crap
Hurts so much you'd swear you were giving anal birth to Pinhead.
Hitchhiker crap
This one makes you feel like you have to crap before you need to go somewhere, but you can't really, but as soon as you're halfway to your destination, it demands to be dropped immediately.
Hit a dime at ten feet through a screen door crap
This is an actual description from a confederate soldier in the Civil War, in a letter home to his mother, when describing the effects of having to eat vegetables that weren't yet ripe (primarily green corn).
Holy crap!
Makes you pray to God for death or deliverance.
Inside-out crap
You're taking care of business in a big way, doing numbers one and two at the same time. All of a sudden, a powerful sneeze overtakes you. You spend 5 minutes wiping your nose and getting your colon and urethra back into place.
Jack-in-the-box crap*
You flush it. It disappears. Suddenly it pops back out again.
King Kong or Commode blocker crap
This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of crap usually happens in someone else's house.
Lacerate your anus crap
Feels like you're giving anal birth to a wad of steel wool with thumbtacks thrown in for good measure. If you insist on wolfing down your food like that, at least chew your Doritos more thoroughly!**
Lincoln log crap
So big and round and hard, you could build a house with it!
Little Dutch boy crap (also known as Sentinel or Guardian of the gate)***
This tiny, round, hard nugget of a turd seems so insignificant that you wonder why you even bothered going to the toilet. It is only when you finally squeeze him out that you realise he was holding back two liters of scorching, smelly, brown, frothy liquid.
Lyin' piece o' crap
This little guy deceives you into thinking he's only a harmless little fart, but when you let him loose he reveals his true identity, and you have to walk around bowlegged with your underwear sticking to your butt until you can find a bathroom.
Magnet crap
Sticks to the bowl below water level and can't be flushed unless it is removed from bowl wall with a coat hanger.
Mathematical crap
So hard you have to work it out with a pencil! (Think about it...)
Mister Happy***
This crap is quite content to stay where it is, requiring no effort on your part and giving you a big smile all day. If you see a colleague smiling for no readily apparent reason, you can bet that he or she is sitting on a Mr. Happy and looking forward to 5.00pm.
Moose turd crap
This kind of crap comes out in about 20 small little pellets that splash the water and soak your ass. Submitted by an astute surfer in Alaska, of course!
Mystery crap (also known as the X-Files crap)
I don't remember eating that!
"Oops, I swallowed my gum" crap
Damn, it wasn't that color when I was chewing it...
Pike's Peak crap
This crap reaches such majestic proportions, it almost touches your ass.
Pissing-rusty-water-out-of-your-ass crap
And I'll bet you didn't think porcelain could rust...
Pop-a-vein-in-your-head crap
This one is the kind that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.
Reincornation crap
No matter how thoroughly you chew your corn when you eat it, this crap still contains whole pieces of corn. One for the X Files...
Pop'n'fresh crap
The kind of crap that looks so much like the Pillsbury Doughboy that you just have to poke it to see if it goes: "WOO HOO!!!"
R.O.V. crap***
This turd begins its journey around the U-bend before it has even finished leaving your bum. A favorite with explorers.
Right now crap
You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet, usually it has its head out before you get your pants off.
Roadside crap
When you're tooling down the highway in the middle of nowhere (you passed the last rest area 100 miles back) and you get a bad case of the juicy farts...
Salvador Dali crap
Comes out in strange, surrealistic colors. A strong indication that you took at least one too many 'shrooms last night.
Scary crap
Ever heard of the the phrase "Scared the crap out of me..."? 'nuff said.
Second thought crap
You're all done wiping and you are about to stand up when you realize you've got more.
Share with others crap
This one's just too good to ban to the sewers right away. You really should spray paint it and put it on a pedestal in your living room, but instead you decide to just leave it in the toilet for your roommate/housemate/spouse to find a few hours later.
Shit that Dreams Are Made of, The+*
After feeling the pressing need to take a huge dump, one is very occasionally rewarded by the shit that dreams are made of. This pleasant turd is rock solid in consistency, just thick enough as to be meaty without causing anal discomfort, and falls out in one swift & comfortable movement, yet slipping silently into the water like an olympic diver who produces no splash. This defecation barely causes the lucky dumper to break a sweat, much less groan in agony. In fact, this stunning bowel movement has often elicited happy, yummy noises of disbelief and marvel at what a perfect turd one has had the pleasure of producing. If you are wondering if you've been lucky enough to experience this dreamy shit, you'll know for sure if it takes less than two squares of toilet paper to wipe up afterwards, as this glorious mud-bunny produces virtually no skid. To hell with that new BMW M1 - this is truly the shit that dreams are made of!
Snake crap
This crap is fairly soft and about as thick as your thumb and at least 3 feet long.
Spikey crap (also known as the Tree-hugger)
When this one comes out, it scrapes your bunghole like a wire brush. A sure sign that it's time to cut back on that high-fiber diet...
Splatter crap
This crap usually occurs after eating something that doesn't agree with your stomach. The morning after, you feel a tremendous pressure build up and have to get to the toilet REAL quick where everything is over within 2 seconds and you have decorated the toilet along with the cheeks of your backside.
Stall, The***
Robust and sizeable, this turd starts out well but then gives up halfway. You are left not knowing whether to pull it out or shove it back.
Stonehenge crap
You sometimes see this one after you've been "congested" for a couple of days and finally get the lead out: you drop so many medium-sized turds that you can build a stone circle. Will become an object of wonder for sewer workers about 5,000 years from now.
Teflon-coated crap
Comes out so slick clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No traces of crap are on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.
Titanic crap
This one is so big you must christen it before saying, "Bon Voyage", then it breaks in two before sinking.
Trumpet Quartet with Percussion Crap
This one is accompanied by such loud farting, you feel like the whole building is shaking. Don't be surprised at the round of applause that greets you when you emerge from the commode unscathed!
Tubthumper, The*
This type of crap hits you so fast that you dash full speed into the bathroom pulling your pants off as you run; you hit the toilet seat at Mach 3 causing it to break completely off thereby hurling you into the bathtub at which point the pain of impact causes your bowels to empty.
Turdsicle, The (This one is really gross)
When you've taken your favorite bed bunny up the Hershey highway and pull your tool out, only to discover it's been chocolate-coated. Next time, don't forget the enema beforehand.
Two-Tipper, The
This one's kind of curled like a banana, with both ends above water. If you see this one, you might want to cut back on the iron supplements.
Weight Watchers crap
You crap so much that you lose several kilos and feel a bit light-headed afterwards.
Wet cheeks crap
This crap hits the water sidewards and makes a big splash that gets your cheeks all wet.
Whipped cream crap
A true masterpiece - as the name implies, were it not brown, you could use it to decorate a cake.
Wish crap
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times - but no crap.
X-Files crap
A gigantic crap found floating in the bowl after someone under the age of 8 leaves the bathroom. Mulder will definitely enjoy solving this one.
--
Posted: 2002-06-29 07:31:00
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Quote
Bumper Sticker #1
1. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
2. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
3. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
4. Ax Me About Ebonics
5. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
6. Boldly Going Nowhere
7. Cat: The Other White Meat
8. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
9. Don’t Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
10. Heart Attacks ... God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
11. Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
12. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
13. If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
14. Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
15. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
16. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
17. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
18. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
19. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
20. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
21. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
22. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
23. So you’re a feminist...Isn’t that precious.
24. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
25. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
--------------------------------------
Bumper Sticker #2
1. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
2. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
3. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
4. The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
5. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
6. Illiterate? Write For Help
7. Honk If Anything Falls Off
8. Cover Me I’m Changing Lanes
9. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
10. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
11. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
12. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
13. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
17. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You’re Doing It Wrong...
18. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!!
19. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
20. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
---------------------------------------------------
Bumper Sticker #3
Bumper stickers #3
1. Constipated People Don’t Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don’t Park, Accidents Cause people.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
13. If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
15. It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You’re Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
--
Posted: 2002-06-29 10:35:00
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Quote
There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
The first lady immediately had a stroke.
Then the second lady also had a stroke.
But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
------------------
Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history,and logic.
“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascination’ thing I ever heard! I can’t wait to take that logic class!”
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. “So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.
“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.
“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”
------------------------
Once upon a time a bear and a bunny rabbit were out together in the woods taking a poop. The bear asked the bunny, "Do you ever have a problem with poop getting on your fur?"
The rabbit replied, "of course not!"
So the bear grabbed the bunny and wiped his butt with him.
--------------------------
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us.
--------------------
A man is jogging in the park when he comes across a 98 year old man weeping on a park bench. The jogger stops to see if he is ok.
The old man replies “Life couldn’t be better. I’m living with a nineteen year old nymphomaniac! In the morning when I wake up we have sex. Then she brings me breakfast in bed. After breakfast we have sex again and I have my mid-morning nap.” He continued “We normally eat out for lunch at a nice restaurant and then it’s back into bed for ‘afters’. Then I spend the afternoon watching sports or old movies before she cooks dinner for me...” “...Oh, did I mention she was a gourmet chef? After dinner we have sex again and I finally collapse in bed exhausted and ready for a restful nights sleep.”
Surprised, the jogger asks “That’s my idea of bliss! Why in the world are you so upset?”
Through his tears the old man weeps “I can’t remember where I live!”.
----------------------
President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school, and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. The students and their teacher are in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy, " so the president asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No" says Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
-------------------------
It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.
“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.
“That’s cool.” says Bobby.
Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says “Whaaaat?”
“Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father, “Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”
Bobby’s eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying “Have a good evening kids,” with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”
-----------------------
A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman. "How do you plead?" asked the judge. "Guilty or not guilty."
"Not guilty," replied the man.
"On what grounds?" queried the judge.
"I didn't think she was dead....I thought she was an American."
------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one! said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
------------------
Bob, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day when he spotted another man outfitted to jump wearing dark glasses, carrying a white cane and holding a seeing-eye dog by a leash. Shocked that the blind man was also going to jump, Bob struck up a conversation, expressing his admiration for the man's courage. Then, curious, he asked, "How do you know when the ground is getting close?"
"Easy," replied the blind man. "The leash goes slack."
------------------
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband!
The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"
-------------------
At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
----------------------
--
Posted: 2002-06-29 10:40:00
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Quote
Hi,
I am a lazy virus. It is a pleasure meeting you.
Please take the following steps now:
1. Save this text into a file and name it virus.txt
2. Send the file to a bunch of people through email
3. Delete some random essential files on your computer.
I would do all this myself, but well, frankly, I'm too lazy.
Have a good day,
The virus
--
Posted: 2002-06-29 10:43:00
Edit :
Quote
Why fishing is better than sex:
You don't have to hide your fishing magazines.
It's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to fish with you once in a while.
Your fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.
It's perfectly respectable to fish with a total stranger.
When you see a really good fisher person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you fishing in boat together.
If your regular fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you fish with someone else.
Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you fish by yourself.
You can have a fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell fishing jokes, and invite co-workers to fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
There are no fishing-transmitted diseases.
If you want to watch fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
Your fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just fished last week! Is fishing all you ever think about?
-----------------------
The Irish Artist
A couple are attending an art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.
As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black penis." The Irish artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting.
They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."
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A fireman and his wife were bored with their sex life so he tried to liven it f up by incorporating the bell system that was used at work. At the firehouse when ~ the first bell rings, everyone runs to the trucks; on the second bell, they gear up; and : on the third bell they jump on the trucks and head for the fire. So he went home and told his wife: "I've got this great idea to spice up our sex life. We're gonna use the bell system. When I shout "bell one", you run into the bedroom; when I shout "bell two", you take off your clothes; and when I call "bell three", you jump on the bed ; and we make passionate love."
The next evening he got home from work and immediately shouted "bell one". His wife ran into the bedroom. Then he called out "bell two" and she took off her clothes. Then he yelled "bell three" and the pair leaped on the bed together and started making love. But no sooner had they started than she suddenly cried: "Bell four, bell four!" "What the hell's bell four?" he gasped.
"More hose! More hose! You're nowhere near the fire!"
On the night before his wedding, the shy young man thought he ought to ask his father what was expected of him in the bedroom.
"What exactly do I have to do?" he asked tentatively. .
"Well, Son," said his father. "You remember what you used to play with as a teenager? All you do is stick that where your wife pees." So the following night the young man threw G.I. Joe down the toilet.
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A couple went to an agricultural show one weekend and watched the auction of some prize bulls. The auctioneer announced that the first bull had reproduced 72 times last year. "Hey," said the wife, nudging her husband. "That's six times a month. A pity you can't match that." The next bull for auction was revealed to have reproduced 144 times last year. The wife prodded her husband again. "Did you hear that? Twelve times a month! He's way out of your league."
Then a third bull was led around. The auctioneer proudly stated that the animal
had reproduced 365 times last year. The wife elbowed her husband hard in the ribs. "Three hundred and sixty-five 1 times!" she exclaimed. "That's every day of the year. That really puts you to shame." By now, the husband was thoroughly irritated by the jibes. "Sure. Great," he said ; icily. "But I bet it wasn't all with the same cow."
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A man living on the second storey of an apartment block was leaning out of the window one morning to check whether it was raining when a glass eye suddenly fell into his hand. Looking up, he saw a girl peering down from four storeys above. "Is this yours?" he called out. "Yes," she replied. "Hold on," he said. "I'll bring it up to you." So he took the glass eye up to the girl's apartment. She invited him in and they started chatting. Not only was she extremely grateful to him but she also found him incredibly attractive and so she asked him out to dinner that evening. He readily accepted. The meal was a great success and afterwards she suggested they go back to his place and go to bed. She stayed the night and when she left the following morning, he said: "I'm sorry but I have to ask. Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
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A young couple on their first date had sex which was over in a matter of seconds. Feeling rather proud of himself, the boy said: "If I'd known you were a I virgin, I'd have taken more time." The girl replied: "If I'd known you were going to take more time, I'd have taken off my panty hose."
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The headmistress of a girls' school asked a male friend who was an author to give a talk to the pupils about sex. After much persuasion, the man agreed but was too embarrassed to tell his wife. So he told her that he was addressing the school on sailing and wrote an appropriate entry in his diary for that day. The day after the talk, the headmistress met the wife in the street. "Your husband was wonderful yesterday, so illuminating. I know my girls learned a lot from him."
"I can't think how," said the wife. "He's only tried it twice. The first time he was sick and the second time he lost his hat."
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A middle-aged man was told at the hospital that he had only 24 hours to live. He went home in a state of shock and fell into his wife's arms. "I've been told I've only got 24 hours to live," he said. "Can we have sex one last time?" "Of course, honey," she said, and they went to bed. Four hours later, he turned to her and said: "Could we have sex again? I've only '" got 20 hours to live. It will probably be our last chance." "Sure, honey," replied his wife and they had sex. - Eight hours later, he asked her. "Do you think we could have sex one more time? -, After all, I've only got 12 hours to live." I "OK," said the wife and they had sex. Four hours later, he nudged her in bed. "I just realized I've only got eight hours to live. Could we have sex one last time?" "Very well," she sighed. "It's the least I can do in the circumstances". Four hours later, he woke her again. "I've only got fours to live. Would you mind if we had sex just one more time, our final act of love?" " This was too much for the wife. "Listen," she snapped, "you may not have to get up in the morning, but I do!"
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A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex." Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."
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Superman was bored because Batman and Spiderman were on vacation and there was nothing much to do. Flying around New York one day, he spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back with her legs apart on the roof of a tall building. He had always lusted after Wonder Woman so he thought he would swoop down and have his wicked way with her. "What was that?" said Wonder Woman afterwards. The Invisible Man climbed off her and said: "I dunno, but it hurt."
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A guy and his date were parked on a back road way out of town. Things started to heat up and he began to undo her dress. "I probably should have mentioned this before," she said, "but I'm a prostitute and if you want to have sex with me, it will cost you 20 dollars." The guy wasn't happy, but he paid up. Afterwards, he got dressed but just sat in the driver's seat without starting the engine. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the woman. "I probably should have mentioned this before," he replied, "but I'm a taxi driver and if you want to get back to town, it will cost you 30 dollars!"
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A male market researcher was calling on homes on behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door."Do you use Vaseline?" asked the researcher. "Certainly," she said. "It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns." "And what about anything else?" he asked. "Like what?" He became embarrassed. "Well, sex, maybe." Oh, of course." she said. "I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out."
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With his wife away on an overseas trip, a guy decided to take his secretary back to his house for an evening of passion. They were rolling around on the bed when he suddenly remembered he didn't have any condoms. I "What are we gonna do?" he said. "I don't know," answered the secretary. "I don't have any either."
Just then he hit upon an idea. "Hey'" he yelled exultantly. "No problem. I know where my wife keeps her diaphragm. You can use that." So he searched the top drawer of the dressing table where the wife always kept her contraceptive device but it was nowhere to be found. After 20 minutes, he gave up. "Goddam bitch!" he snarled. "She's taken it with her. I always knew she didn't trust me!"
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A guy was told he had just 24 hours to live, so he decided to go home and make passionate love to his wife. He crept into the bedroom, slid into bed and for the next three hours enjoyed the wildest sex he'd ever experienced. Finally exhausted, he crawled into the bathroom where he was surprised to find his wife lying in the bath with a mudpack on her face. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Sssh!" she said. "You'll wake my mother."
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A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck' to a halt inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed: "What the hell's the matter with you two?.Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!" The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
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A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I knee pains. "Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor. "Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style." "I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?" "Not if you want to watch TV there ain't!"
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Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters." So Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need." So Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now?" he asked. "Who needs girls?" said Pinocchio.
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If men got pregnant:
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay
Children would be kept in hospital until toilet trained
Natural childbirth would become obsolete
All methods of birth control would be 100 per cent effective
Men would be eager to talk about commitment
There would be a cure for stretch marks
They'd serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes
Men wouldn't think twins were so cute
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10 p.m.
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Posted: 2002-06-29 10:59:00
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Why Football Is Played 45 Minutes!?!??
Guys. It's good research.
Test your brother, father, spouse and hear what they have to say.
Why football is played for 45 minutes?
Those who thought of this must have lots of time:
Why people play football for 45 minutes, not 30 minutes or 1 hour?
Even the sports scientist and some of the senior players could not
give the right answer.In that confusing situation one person came
up with a reasonable answer.
He said......."The reason people play this game for 45 minutes
is...
There are 2 teams and there are 11 players in each team. Each
player brings his own "2 balls" So in total there are 44 balls.
There is one ball on the ground itself. Thus the grand total is
45".
Question Answered !!!
Sometimes there is extra time of 2mins which is the referee's balls
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Posted: 2002-06-29 20:49:00
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Father - Which part of the body goes to heaven first ?
kid - legs
Father - why legs
kid - because, i see mom every night with her legs up and screaming, oh god i am in heaven
kid - how baby comes into world
dad - i the moonlight, an angel comes to earth and leaves a kid in mom's lap
kid - you mean "fucking" is useless !!!!
Twins talking inside mother's womb
T1 - The place is shaking, daddy's here again, he is early today
T2 - Shhh, quiet, that's not daddy, daddy doesn't wear a raincoat
2 drunks staring into their drinks. One got a curios look and
said,"hey, have u ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it ?"
The other replied, "yep ! i have been married to one for years !!"
Q-what is the difference between a chicken and a baby ?
A-Chicken is the result of a sitting hen, while the baby is the result of a standing cock
Why do women wear blank panties ?
Its a way for them to say "in memory of those who were buried here"
one day a secretary saw her boss's pants unziped.
She said, "boss ur garage's door is open".
boss, "did u see my ferrari ?".
secretary, "no boss, i can see a scooter with two punctured tyres !!!"
boy goes for blood test. nurse takes sample and cannot find cotton, so she sucks his finger. Boy is so happy that he asks, "can i get a urine test done ?"
wife - u were so drunk last nigh that u insulted ur boss
husband - piss him
wife - u did that and he fired u
husband - f**k him
wife - i did that and you can go to work from tomorrow
Q-how do you know that the girl wearing a skirt is not wearing panties ?
A-by looking at dandruff on her feet
A guy takes woman to his room, puts his pants down and says,
"meet my little brother". woman picks up her bag and says, "so call me when he grows up !!!"
A 85 year old man gets sensation and wants to f**k his wife.
He says "i am going to buy 2 viagras"
Wife says, "if you are going to start that rusty thing again, i will have to take a tetanus injection"
Q-Who is the world's best goalkeeper ?
A-A woman
Q-why ?
A-Because, whichever way you f**k her, the balls just won't go in
Husband to wife - I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it
Wife - I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it
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Posted: 2002-06-30 18:36:00
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Posted: 2002-07-01 16:37:00
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Not really a joke but good all the same
http://spikything.com/games/kickups/
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Posted: 2002-07-01 22:41:00
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