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did you hear about the magic tractor?
IT TURNED INTO A FIELD!!!!!!
(sorry)
_________________
"derek, i can now garantee you the fun experience of your life"
"what is it tom?"
"derek, were going to get in the drains"
[ This Message was edited by: tom_fun on 2004-07-04 04:29 ]
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Posted: 2004-07-04 05:28:38
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Why men die first
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the
rat race. .you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a poofter.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing lazy prick.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get
off your lazy ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her...that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.
If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't....................you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape.........youre sexist.
If you don't.................you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of shit.
If you're not ....................you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't................there must be someone else.
Men die first because they want to.
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Posted: 2004-07-08 04:13:12
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nice one
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Posted: 2004-07-08 05:50:00
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A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed.
"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."
"Why?" he asked.
"'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.
"I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me."
Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.
"You're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting feathers too."
"Well, I'd better have a look," she said.
After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and giblets too."
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Posted: 2004-07-08 08:00:20
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George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brainscan.
The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."
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Posted: 2004-07-08 11:41:28
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Posted: 2004-07-09 04:13:06
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Plastic Surgery Miracles
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
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Posted: 2004-07-09 04:21:49
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ROTFLMFAO
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Posted: 2004-07-09 06:58:00
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Party Alaska style!
Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress.
He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door.
He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night...thought you might like to come ... about 5:00."
"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!"
Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some
drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be
there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex,
too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,what should I wear?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
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Posted: 2004-07-11 15:28:09
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Pastor's Wife Tells About Her Day
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I
saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and
put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did.
What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had
changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of
people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk
like crazy. He must really love the Lord, because pretty soon he
leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he
could. It was like a football game, with him shouting, "Go,
Jesus Christ, Go!" Everyone else started honking too, so I
leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving
people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there
because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach,
and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two kids what that
meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and
told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out
the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards
me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the
light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I
did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection.
I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window,
gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign
as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
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Self Evaluation
The following psychological test was developed by a think tank of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are incredibly accurate in describing your personality with one simple question:
Which is your favourite Teletubbie...
A. Yellow
B. Purple
C. Green
D. Red
(DECIDE BEFORE SCROLLING DOWN)
Profile for women...
A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people!
B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.
C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.
D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive combination.
Profile for men...
A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.
B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay.
C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.
D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.
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Mouse Balls
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences...
To: Whom this may concern
Re: Replacement of mouse balls
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
[ This Message was edited by: buluayam on 2004-07-12 18:08 ]
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Posted: 2004-07-12 19:04:47
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