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Blackspot that is bloody terrible....
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Posted: 2004-12-22 03:33:41
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I know it's corny, isn't it?
That's all I can think of in the moment.
Hope this will make up for it:
A man was living in a very secluded part of a large desert, away from civilization. He lived by the small animals, insects, and occasional plants that are able to survive in that area. The only living companion he had was his camel. A lot of times, in his loneliness, his sexual longings would be so strong that he attempted to make it with his camel but the camel would start moving violently and his attempts always fail.
One day a beautiful, sexy lady who was lost in the desert, was crawling towards his tent begging for food and water. "Sir, I would do anything you desire if you would spare me food and water". "Anything?" He grinned. "Yes, anything" the lady replied desperately. So without hesitation he gave the lady a generous amount of food and water and allowed her to rest for a while while he excitedly thinks about what will happen next. When the lady had totally recovered she presented herself to the man and said "Well, a deal is a deal, I'm ready to do anything you desire"
The man looked so happy and said "Yes, finally! Come, hold the camel"
[ This Message was edited by: blackspot on 2004-12-22 03:15 ]
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Posted: 2004-12-22 03:53:39
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Did you hear that Dr Dre and Snoop Dogg are releasing a christmas album? Thats right - Hos Hos Hos!
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Posted: 2004-12-23 15:01:10
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Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard, I've just been laid.
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Posted: 2004-12-31 01:21:38
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Kick start to the New Year (more for the Scots members)
A Glesga Burd goes tae the social tae register fur child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the civil servant?
"10" replies the girl.
"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"
"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec
"Doesn't that get confusing?" "
Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant.
"'at's easy," says the girl... "Ah just use thur surnames"
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A Glesga burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"Naw" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
---
Glesga burd enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says "Gies that rid yin" The man replies " Hen that's a fire extinguisher."
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A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Morag."
Medic: "OK Morag, is this your car?"
Morag: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Morag: "Springburn."
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A Glesga burd was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Listen Doll, I just heard on the news that thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch yersel'!"
"It's no' jist wan motor!" said the girl, "There's fu***n' hunners argh! thump!"
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Another Glesga burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Danielle: "Ok."
Medic: "Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?"
Danielle: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
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A Glesga burd and a Weegie guy are in a bar when the girl notices something strange about the Nikes the guy is wearing. She says, "Here mate, ah no' tryin tae take the piss ur any'hin lik' that, but how come you've goat an L oan wan ae yur gutties 'n' an R oan the other wan?"
So the guy smiles, puts down his bottle of cider and replies, "Coz I'm a bit thick so Ah huv tae huv an L oan ma left fit 'n' an R oan ma ma right wan." "F*** sake" exclaims the girl "So thats how ma thongs've goat C&A oan thum!"
See Scotty or Meths for accurate translations
_________________
Pictures in my head
Worst job ever! v's
Dream Job V=
[ This Message was edited by: mince-inside on 2005-01-07 21:29 ]
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Posted: 2005-01-07 22:26:33
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A glesgae burd goes into labour, and she phones for an ambulance
"Mah watters jist broke, im huvin' mah baby!" She tells the operator.
"The operator replies "Where are you ringing from?"
The glesgae burd replies "Fae mah fanny tae mah feet!"
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Posted: 2005-01-08 13:19:31
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Whats red and lives in a tree?
A sanitary owl
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Posted: 2005-01-08 14:38:12
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Extreme abuse of the english language
all statements made by a professor in a certain college -
His family :
I have two daughters.... Both of them are girls...(?)
At the playground :
All of you, stand in a straight circle.
There is no wind in the balloon.
The girl with the mirror please come her...{Meaning girl with specs).
To a boy, angrily :
I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?
Giving a punishment :
You, rotate the ground four times...
You, go and under-stand the tree...
You three of you, stand together separately.
Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)
Sir at his best :
Had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see
one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them.
So the next day at school... ( to that boy ) - " Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"
Inside the Class :
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger half.
Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor
You, meet me behind the class. (meaning AFTER the class .. )
Both of u three, get out of the class.
Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today ...
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....Take 5 cm wire of any length....
sir at his best:
once he had come late to a college function, by the time the function
had started, so he went to the dais, and said "sorry i am late, because on
the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats)"
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Posted: 2005-01-11 20:35:15
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Glasgow twist on an old joke
A Young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
'Do you have any sales experience?' asked the manager.
'Oh Aye; uff dunnabitta sales stuff back up eh road anat, ah'eh barras
anat, know?', nodded the young weegie.
The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job.
The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was
settling in.
'So... how many sales did you make today'? He smiled at the boy.
The weegie said: 'Jist the wan'.
The manager was immediately disappointed. 'Wh-a-a-t? Just one?
Harrods's sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well,
how much was the sale for, anyway'? '£101,237.64' said the lad.
The Harrods manager choked. 'Blimey... One hundred and one thousand,
two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in hell
did you sell him?'
'Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gawin'
fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat.
We went down to the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined
Power Cat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could
pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I selt him a dinky 4x4 Suzuki...'.
The manager was now incredulous. 'Wait a minute; you mean to tell
me.... a guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a
boat AND a four-by-four?'
'Naw naw, big man... he came in tay buy a box of tampons furries missus
and Ah said......... "Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's f**ked, ye
might as well go fishing..."'.
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Posted: 2005-01-11 21:22:17
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Posted: 2005-01-11 21:27:00
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