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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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Posted: 2005-01-13 14:46:53
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Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a country road.
A car comes around the corner breaks hard to avoid them , skids, tumbles twice and land in a field. Jimmy say to Eamonn it's just as well we got out of that field.
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Posted: 2005-01-13 14:51:51
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Posted: 2005-01-13 19:54:35
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2 friends went hunting in the woods. Jack had to hide in the bushes to answer nature's call when suddenly he shouted "Aaaah, Snake!". Roy came running "What happened". "A yellow snake bit my anus!" Jack replied embarrassed and in pain. "You wait here, I'll go for help" Roy said, a bit scared.
Roy came upon a house nearby and told the old man inside about what happened, he didn't mention some embarrassing detail though. Luckily the old man was a snake expert. "Snake bite huh... You have to move fast or your friend will die. Use a sharp knife and make a cut across the bite marks. Suck as many blood as you can and spit so we can minimize the poison circulated in his body. Go!"
Roy arrived with a sad face thinking about what he was about to do. Jack looked pale "Well did you find any help?". Roy looked at Jack's butt, "Well, there was this snake expert... He said you're gonna die. Sorry."
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Posted: 2005-01-14 05:01:10
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George Michael got caught with a chocolate bar up his arse earlier...
It was a Careless Whispa!
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Posted: 2005-01-21 19:52:00
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my contribution:
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, I want to hang out
with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..." God commented: "Well, what's the
big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and
pollution, and can't run without a road?!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but
aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmm.you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours"
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Posted: 2005-02-17 03:17:45
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knock knock
whos there?
michael
michael who?
you are on the jury.
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Posted: 2005-02-17 05:08:00
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A beautiful, sexy lady was standing by the fence watching a bull making it with a cow. The owner of the ranch saw the beautiful lady and delivered a pickup line that he thought was appropriate.
"Hi there... ahh, cows... I'd really love doing what the bull is doing right now"
The lady just smiled and replied "Why don't you? It's your cow."
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Posted: 2005-02-17 05:17:17
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a guy goes to heaven wearing a manchester united shirt, he is stopped at the gate by st. peter and told
"we dont want your sort in here, youll have to go down there."
"but ive been a really good guy all my life" replies the guy
"in what way?" asks st. peter
the guy replies "last week i gave £10 to the tsunami appeal, £10 to african orphans and £10 to the local church fund"
"wait here" says st. peter
after 10 minutes st. peter comes back
"ive had a word with the big man and he agrees with me, heres your £30 back now f*** off!!"
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Posted: 2005-02-17 06:45:00
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Posted: 2005-02-17 07:01:02
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