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Y did the chicken cross the road? 2 get 2 the shop...
Do u fink thats funny?
Nah neither did the chicken coz it was shut!
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Posted: 2005-06-06 03:05:00
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What do you call a man who has been in the ground for a thousand years?
_________________
Pete.
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2005-06-08 22:14 ]
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Posted: 2005-06-08 23:11:00
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After a long night of hot and heavy love making, he notices a photo of another man on her bedside table. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers, planting a big, juicy kiss square on his mouth.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"Silly! That's me before the surgery."
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Posted: 2005-06-09 03:21:00
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Might as well participate in this thread
This is a bricklayer’s accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the worker’s Compensation Board.
This is a true story…..
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Section 3 of the accident report form. I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some brick’s left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the brick’s down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at the ground I went up to the roof swung the barrel out and loaded the brick’s into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the bricks.
You will note in section 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley, Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me down to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain and unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and I let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kind Regards,
Mike Pashby
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Posted: 2005-06-09 19:25:10
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i dont get it.....
a man walks into a bar......ouch
classic
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Posted: 2005-06-09 22:21:33
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A housewife takes a lover during the day,while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son washiding in the closet. Her husband camehome unexpectedly, so she hid her loverin the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens againthat the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to theboy, "Grab your bat and your
glove. Let's go outside and play somebaseball." The boy says, "I
can't. I sold them." The father asks, "Howmuch did you sell them
for?" The son says, "$1,000." The fathersays, "That's terrible to
overcharge your friends like that. That isway more than those two
things cost. I'm going to take you tochurch and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alertsthe priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth andcloses the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shitagain" .
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Posted: 2005-06-10 21:00:00
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Good one mrao!
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Posted: 2005-06-10 21:15:31
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worst kinda jokes are ones that take hours to tell, then the punch line is ..... yes...
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Posted: 2005-06-10 23:12:38
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There was an English man, scottish man Irish man all in a bar talking together about problems they are having with their teenage daughters
the english man said, " i found a box of fags in my daughters room...i never knew she smoked"
the scottish man said," i found ecstacy tablets in my daughters flat, i never knew she was taking it!!"
the IRISH man said," i found a packet of condoms in my daughters flat...
...
...
...
...i never knew she had a dick!!"
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Posted: 2005-06-10 23:31:42
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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues,"he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes,in which you can do anything you want."And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes,from which shortly emerged a good dealof giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes,"said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head.".
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Posted: 2005-06-12 01:11:00
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