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Two guys walk into a bar, and they both have black eyes. "How did you get your black eye?" asks the first guy.
"Well, it was really a Freudian slip. You see, I was walking through the park one day when I saw a woman with three beautiful children. I walked up to her to compliment her children, but when I tried to say, 'You have some lovely kiddies,' I accidentally said, 'You have some lovely titties. So she slapped me, and gave me this black eye. How about you, how did you get your black eye?"
"Well, I too had a Freudian slip. I was sitting down to breakfast with my wife of thirty-two years, and I tried to say, 'Would you please pass the Cornflakes?' but instead I said, 'You ruined my life you f***ing bitch.'"
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Brevior saltare cum deformibus mulieribus est vita
[ This Message was edited by: Uncle Bob on 2005-07-05 15:59 ]
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Posted: 2005-07-05 16:57:45
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Computer funnies
MEMO
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
Offline:
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Posted: 2005-07-05 17:26:13
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Tourist to travel agent: "If the world keeps getting smaller, why do airline tickets cost more and more?"
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Posted: 2005-07-05 18:50:00
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No offense meant towards any nationality here...just another joke
A Mexican drinks his Tequila and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces while it is still in the air. He says "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice. Viva Mexico!"
An Iraqi obviously impressed by this, drinks his camel beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK 47 and shoots the glass to pieces while it is still in the air. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either!
Praise Allah!"
A US Marine, cool as a cucumber, picks up his Budweiser and drinks it, throws his bottle into the air, pulls out his M-9 Beretta and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. He says "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice
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Posted: 2005-07-05 23:54:18
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That's a funny one, i heard it before.
Aite here's one, the word "Chav" has replaced another, otherwise it would just be plain racist!
Q:What do you call a Chav on the moon?
A:Problem.
Q:What do you call 10 Chavs on the moon?
A:Problem.
Q:What do you call 100 Chavs on the moon?
A:Problem.
Q:What do you call 1,000 Chavs on the moon?
A:Problem.
Q:What do you call ALL the Chavs on the moon?
A:Problem Solved!
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Posted: 2005-07-06 01:43:07
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Why do nuns dont wear bra?
Bcoz God supports everthing...
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Posted: 2005-08-08 06:28:00
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@kk- god bless you, my friend, we share the same dream
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Posted: 2005-08-08 12:07:03
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As Bill headed out to work his fields, he told his new, blonde, city-girl wife, "The artificial insemination man is coming by today to impregnate one of our cows today. Can you show him where it is?" "How will I know which cow?" asked Amy. "They all look alike." "Oh, I drove a nail above the cow's stall. You'll see it," he said, leaving the house. Later, when the artificial insemination man arrived, Amy walked him down the long row of cows until she saw the nail and said, "This is the cow right here!"
Impressed, the man asked, "How did you know this is the right cow?" "By the nail over its stall." He looked puzzled. "What's the nail for?"
As she walked away, she flipped her long blonde hair and replied, "I guess it's to hang up your pants!"
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Posted: 2005-08-13 19:14:00
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy this?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
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Posted: 2005-08-15 12:53:47
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Quote:
On 2005-08-13 19:14:00, njoy29 wrote:
As Bill headed out to work his fields, he told his new, blonde, city-girl wife, "The artificial insemination man is coming by today to impregnate one of our cows today. Can you show him where it is?" "How will I know which cow?" asked Amy. "They all look alike." "Oh, I drove a nail above the cow's stall. You'll see it," he said, leaving the house. Later, when the artificial insemination man arrived, Amy walked him down the long row of cows until she saw the nail and said, "This is the cow right here!"
Impressed, the man asked, "How did you know this is the right cow?" "By the nail over its stall." He looked puzzled. "What's the nail for?"
As she walked away, she flipped her long blonde hair and replied, "I guess it's to hang up your pants!"
LMAO. Very funny.
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Posted: 2005-08-15 14:11:49
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