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DickySnapples Posts: > 500
NO OFFENCE INTENDED....ITS JUST A JOKE
what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing,youve already told her twice
[ This Message was edited by: Dicky Snapples on 2005-08-16 17:58 ]
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Posted: 2005-08-16 18:54:00
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A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Paul, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Paul, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Paul was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Paul showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Paul announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Paul, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
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Posted: 2005-08-16 21:25:14
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Very funny.
By the way Paul, how's the family?
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Posted: 2005-08-24 23:55:25
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A wife is cooking a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband bursts into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Quick! Add more more butter! Oh my goodness!
"You're cooking too many eggs at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my! You make me so nervous!"
"WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
"Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
His wife stares at him, stunned with amazement. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replies, as he walks away, "Now you know what it feels like when you're telling me how to drive."
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Posted: 2005-08-24 23:59:08
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Time & Money
Asking God...
The man said, "God, are you there?"
God responded, "Yes, I am."
The man said, "May I ask you a question?"
"Go ahead, my son." God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is but a second."
The man then asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?"
And God said, "Sure, just a second."
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Posted: 2005-08-25 00:04:54
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Ed Zachery Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.
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Posted: 2005-08-25 00:13:15
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Another one
Unlucky parrot
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Seņor Humphrey? This is Ernesto
the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one' Seņor."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody seņor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the
water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was
the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your mother-in-law, Seņor. I am so sorry, but she showed up late one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike driver."
SILENCE....................
"Ernesto, if you broke my new driver you're fired!
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Posted: 2005-08-25 00:24:04
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NETWORKS AND LIFE. Life b4 marriage : airtel - always get in touch. Life while honeymoon : hutch - follows wherever you go. After 10 years of marriage : bsnl - not reachable.. Good bye.
This message was posted from a WAP device
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Posted: 2005-08-30 07:01:59
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It was so cold in Cape Town today that a large number of lawyers were spotted walking about with their hands in their own pockets.
This message was posted from a Nokia
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Posted: 2005-09-02 15:05:35
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Nice jokes mrao...
[ This Message was edited by: John Abraham on 2005-09-07 04:26 ]
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Posted: 2005-09-07 05:18:52
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