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Thats cheap ... pls delete it
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Posted: 2005-09-07 05:24:54
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(",) What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? ..... You can drop her off anywhere.
(",) What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? ..... Outlaws are wanted.
(",) Where does virgin wool come from? .....
Ugly sheep.
(",) How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony? .....
It isn't hard.
(",) What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night? ..... His last name.
(",) What's the down side to a 3-some? .....
You're likely disappoint two women instead of just one!!!!!!!!!!!
(",) How do you know you're really ugly? .....
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.
(",) Why are hurricanes named after women? .....
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
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Posted: 2005-09-07 14:51:20
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Two friends meet each other on the street.
Hello, Bill! Where are you coming from?
I'm coming from the cemetery. I just buried my mother-in-law.
I'm so sorry. But why is your face scratched all over?
It wasn't so easy! She put on a hell of a fight.
One day a man found an odd-looking lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie, who told him he’d get three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
“What would you like for your first wish?” asked the genie.
“I want one billion dollars,” replies the man.
“Remember,” says the genie, “your mother-in-law gets double what you got.”
“I know.”
The man then chooses his second wish, “I wish I had a brand new sports car.” So, he gets his second wish and he’s very content.
“Your mother-in-law gets double what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?” asks the genie.
The man ponders for a moment, then answering, “I wish to be beaten half to death.”
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Posted: 2005-09-07 16:23:18
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Broke is Broke
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well- dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
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Posted: 2005-09-08 20:50:41
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This ones too funny
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because
he is sure that he has a better education.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some
fun at the deputies expense..
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop.
License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the
ticket, if not - you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle then, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving
crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
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Posted: 2005-09-08 20:54:06
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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, Little Johnny. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he would go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agrees.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions" The principal and Johnny both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself."
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Posted: 2005-09-08 21:12:25
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Theres more to that joke mrao...
heres one
Little Leroy's father catches him snorting a powdery substance behind the shed.
'Leroy!' he yells, 'what's that stuff you're sticking in your nose? It had better not be cocaine!'
'Don't worry, Papa says Leroy. 'It's only Kool-Aid.'
'Kool-Aid? Why would you want to stick Kool-Aid up your nose?'
'Because I've got a cold,' sniffs Leroy.
'Well, Kool-Aid isn't going to get rid of your cold, my boy.'
'I know, Papa, says Leroy. 'But at least it makes my snot taste nice/lekker.'
another one
"Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!"
"E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!"
The next day:
"Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night."
"Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back."
"Sorry Sipho, I did already spent that money.."
"Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow." So, Bongani brought the dead cow to Sipho the next morning.
A few weeks later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow: "You won't believe, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold 251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R750! But, I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead.."
"Yoh! And the people they didn't complain?"
"Eish! Only the guy which won! So, I gave him back his R5 and he was happy!"
Sipho is now in parliament..
[ This Message was edited by: 786KBR on 2005-09-12 12:28 ]
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Posted: 2005-09-12 13:26:38
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Little Leroy's father catches him snorting a powdery substance behind the shed.
'Leroy!' he yells, 'what's that stuff you're sticking in your nose? It had better not be cocaine!'
'Don't worry, Papa says Leroy. 'It's only Kool-Aid.'
'Kool-Aid? Why would you want to stick Kool-Aid up your nose?'
'Because I've got a cold,' sniffs Leroy.
'Well, Kool-Aid isn't going to get rid of your cold, my boy.'
'I know, Papa, says Leroy. 'But at least it makes my snot taste lekker.'
one more...
"Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!"
"E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!"
The next day:
"Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night."
"Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back."
"Sorry Sipho, I did already spent that money.."
"Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow." So, Bongani brought the dead cow to Sipho the next morning.
A few weeks later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow: "You won't believe, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold 251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R750! But, I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead.."
"Yoh! And the people they didn't complain?"
"Eish! Only the guy which won! So, I gave him back his R5 and he was happy!"
Sipho is now in parliament..
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Posted: 2005-09-12 13:33:12
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@786....
nice ones, mate
Here's another one....
This was posted purely in good humour. No offense intended towards any religion
The Debate
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. There was a big uproar from the Jewish community.
So the Pope offered a compromise. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had little choice and nothing to lose, so they chose a wise old man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one condition to the debate. To make the debate interesting, neither would be allowed to speak. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
Later, the cardinals gathered around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jews had crowded around Moishe.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then what happened?"
After a long pause, Moise shrugged, saying "I'm not sure. The Pope took out his lunch so I took out mine."
[ This Message was edited by: mrao on 2005-09-12 17:00 ]
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Posted: 2005-09-12 17:58:06
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omg y can't ppl post short ones and not half page long lol
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Posted: 2005-09-14 22:17:03
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