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Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any _expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
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Posted: 2005-09-15 11:20:22
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Two drunks stumble out of a pub in Ireland at about 4:00 in the morning. They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when along comes a policeman.
The first drunk pipes up, "Excuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet." To which the policeman replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."
The second drunk then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I wonder if the last bus to Galway has left yet." The officer again replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."
The first drunk then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell me please, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet."
The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts, "It's 4am, all the bloody buses have gone!"
And with that the first drunk turns to his friend and says, "Ok, Mick, we can cross the road now."
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Posted: 2005-09-15 11:29:43
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removed by request.
[ This Message was edited by: private on 2005-09-15 12:39 ]
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Posted: 2005-09-15 11:47:35
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Hrash generilsation on Indian Engineers there
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Posted: 2005-09-15 12:04:38
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Two drunks went home after a long drinking session.
Joey: Hey you're going this way too, Jim?
Tim: Yup, I live jusht 2 blocks ahead, hik, and by the way name's Tim.
Joey: Really? that's cool. We musht be neighbors.
Tim: Yeah, no wonder you look familiar, Tony.
Joey: It's Joey. What number's your house?
Tim: 408. Here it is!
Joey: You musst be kidding, I live here too!
Tim's wife came out: "Where the hell have you been?"
Tim: Don't tell me that's your wife too, hahaha!
Joey: Nope, that's my mom.
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Posted: 2005-09-15 12:15:55
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You'll like this, cruel but priceless.......
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have
experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter
Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous
too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last
guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his ass off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".
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Posted: 2005-09-15 12:20:41
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reminds me of an old one about three guys stranded in an island for 1 year and found a magic lamp. When they rubbed it a genie came out and granted them 1 wish each.
First guy: I wish to be back with my family!
Poof! he was back to his family.
Second guy: I wish I was back to my family too!
Poof! he was back to his family, too!
Third guy: It's kinda lonely now, I wish my 2 friends were back.
Poof! the two guys came back!
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Posted: 2005-09-15 12:27:50
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Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry Sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! he's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull$h1t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Posted: 2005-09-15 12:36:39
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Quote:
On 2005-09-14 22:17:03, max99 wrote:
omg y can't ppl post short ones and not half page long lol
A horse walked into a bar, the barman says 'why the long face'
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Posted: 2005-09-15 12:44:25
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On new year's eve a lady stood up at a local pub and suggested that it would be a great time to get ready for the celebrations. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand close to the person who made his life worth living.
The bartender was almost crushed to death!
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Posted: 2005-09-15 12:52:45
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