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A young woman in Cape Town was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young deck-hand saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for.
We're off to Europe in the morning,and if you like, I can stow you away on this ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy, OK?"
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Ferry making trips between Robben Island and the Waterfront.
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Posted: 2005-09-15 13:06:41
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FUNERAL SPEECH OF THE YEAR
Maria is a devoted wife: She gets married and has 17children.......Soon after the last child is born, her husband dies.....A few weeks later she remarried, and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband......After the last child is born her second husband also dies......Within a month Maria is engaged to be married for the third time.......Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies. At her funeral the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, he looks up to heaven and says:"At last they are finally together".
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest replied "I mean her legs".
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Posted: 2005-09-15 13:43:07
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Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly, now pretty old
guys, 75 and 76 years old, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about cricket,like they do every day.
Sachin turns to Sourav and says, "Do you think there's
cricket in heaven?"
Ganguly thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I
dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in
heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They
shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Sachin passes on.
One day soon afterward, Ganguly is sitting there
feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sourav...Sourav!"
Ganguly responds, "Sachin! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sourav," whispers Sachin's ghost.
Ganguly, still amazed, asks,
"So, is there cricket in heaven?"
"Well," says Sachin, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Ganguly.
Sachin says, "Well... there is cricket in heaven."
Ganguly says, "That's great!
What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Sachin sighs and whispers,
"You and me, we are going to open the innings on Friday."
--
Posted: 2005-09-15 13:57:17
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An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried?
...that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
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Posted: 2005-09-15 14:08:41
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This is a tough one.... Check this - Morality Test:
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer and you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you
caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper,
and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making
photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some
disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its
destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. .
Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's
George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under ... forever. You have two options--you can save the life of G.W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,
documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:
>>>> scroll down
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?
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Posted: 2005-09-19 21:28:08
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LOL
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Posted: 2005-09-19 21:43:01
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RAW MATERIAL
In science class the teacher said they would talk about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have only one raw material in the world what would it be?"
Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded then called on little Susie.
Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher smiled and she then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my neighbour has two big silicone implants and you should see all the sports cars outside their house!!"
--
Posted: 2005-09-21 17:33:09
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AN OFFICE BOY AT MICROSOFT
A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him, then a test, clean the floor.
"You are selected" he said, give me your e-mail address, and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you can start.
The man replied "I don't have a computer, neither do I have an email address"
I'm sorry, said the HR manager, if you don't have an email that means
you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.
The man left with no hope at all.
He didn't know what to do, with only 10US$ in his pocket. He then
decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two
hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation
three times, and returned home with 60 US$. The man realized that he
can survive by this way, and started doing this everyday from morning till late evening.
Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the U. S.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to purchase life
insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email address.
The man replied: ' I don't have an email'.
The broker replied curiously, "You don't have an email address, and yet have succeeded in building an empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had email?!!
The man thought for a while, and replied: "An office boy at Microsoft!"
The moral of this story:
1- Internet is not the solution to your life.
2- If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
3- If you are reading this on the internet or on e-mail, you are closer to being an office boy, than a millionaire.
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Posted: 2005-09-21 20:09:31
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Jay approached a lady who was alone in a corner table in a pub and started being friendly. "Hello there, I'm Jay, Can I sit here while you're waiting for your companions?". To Jay's surprise and obvious embarassment the lady shouted "You want to have sex with me?". Everyone was looking at them so Jay just looked down and went away and drank by himself in a table on the opposite corner.
Later, the lady approached him and explained. "I'm really sorry about that, I'm a psychologist and I'm actually doing this research on 'human behaviors on unexpected situations'". Jay smiled, looked at her, stood up and shouted "Two hundred bucks?!"
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Posted: 2005-09-22 06:41:16
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A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
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Posted: 2005-09-23 17:34:30
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