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A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
--
Posted: 2005-09-23 22:17:42
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President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion
on
the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an
example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him,
that would be a tragedy."
No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a
great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs.
Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that
would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f**king accident
either".
--
Posted: 2005-09-26 00:46:02
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[ This Message was edited by: john abraham on 2005-09-26 01:00 ]
--
Posted: 2005-09-26 01:56:00
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Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."
"Oh, no!" president Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion?"
--
Posted: 2005-09-26 14:41:33
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After the first few days in the Garden of Eden, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable".
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?" So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?" So, the Lord again gave Adam instruction and Adam again disappeared behind the bush, but this time he quickly re-appeared, saying "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
--
Posted: 2005-09-27 16:03:20
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In a town convention, the speaker asked "has anyone of you experienced making love to a ghost?".
A farmer raised his hand. The speaker was shocked and said "Really! So how does it feel making love to a ghost?"
The farmer was a bit embarrassed and answered "Oh sorry, I thought you said goat!"
--
Posted: 2005-09-28 06:57:06
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>
Top Tips!!!
>
> DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
> tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
> another song you like and hum that instead.
>
> CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
> having a p**s before the film starts.
>
> RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
> actually speaking clearly in the first place.
>
> DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
> identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
> with your old bank statements.
>
> WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
> red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
> remove the stains.
>
> SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
> tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.
>
> MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it
> to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
>
> BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
> sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one
> of their dogs on you.
>
> EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
> CVs into the bin.
>
> MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
> the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
> your wife from having to do it.
>
> GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
> by Royal Mail.
>
> BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
> very small horse is approaching.
>
> ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
>
> DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your
> horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start
> and send them on their way.
>
> PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
> everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
> morning, simply move it all back again.
>
> CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
> valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
>
> DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
> simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
>
> MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
> driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police
> will think you are listening to the sea.
>
> JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
> your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
>
> SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
>
> SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
> outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
> occasionally glancing inside.
>
> BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
> into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
> After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the
> pan.
>
> ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
> pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
>
> McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
> in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
--
Posted: 2005-09-29 11:02:02
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Two doctors are discussing the new nurse Jenny in a hospital. "Shes reallly thick, i told her to give someone 20 mills of insulin every 3 hours, she gave him 3 mills of insulin every 20 hours! he nearly died!" "Yeah, she does everything backwards!" said the other doctor. "the other day i told her to give a guy one enema every 12 hours, she gave him 12 enemas every hour, the poor guy nearly exploded!" just then there was a blood curling scream from down the hall. "oh my word!" said the one doctor! "i've just realised... i told her to prick Mr Smith's boil!!!"
--
Posted: 2005-10-08 13:13:05
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@project
--
Posted: 2005-10-10 08:15:29
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Pay attention
"Are You Paying Attention?" A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.
After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of
observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."
--
Posted: 2005-10-10 09:09:22
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