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what do u get if u cross a hand grenade with a apple?
A pine apple
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Posted: 2006-01-04 18:12:03
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In a MOTEL establishment there's a SIGN outside that says:
" WE are as CHEAP as YOU are ! "
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Posted: 2006-01-12 00:59:42
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WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain."
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
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Posted: 2006-02-03 13:00:47
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Whats about 6 inches long and starts with a P?
A shit
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Posted: 2006-02-03 13:12:55
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A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business, I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."
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Posted: 2006-02-03 18:11:05
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In the beginning was the plan
And then came the assumptions
And the plan was without substance
And the assumptions were without form
And darkness was upon the face of the workers
And they spoke among themselves saying "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks"
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof"
And the supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "it is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it"
And the managers went to their Directors, saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength"
And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another, "it contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong"
And the directors went to the vice presidents saying unto them, "it promotes growth, and is very powerful"
The vice presidents went unto the president, saying unto him, "this new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company, with powerful effects"
And the president looked upon the plan and saw that it was good
And the plan became policy
And that is how shit happens
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Posted: 2006-02-03 18:14:44
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Posted: 2006-02-03 18:46:05
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Posted: 2006-02-03 18:47:42
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Harsh, but funny, I actually like Barrymore...lol
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Posted: 2006-02-04 02:26:53
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George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, \"You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy.\"
The Vice President shrugs and says, \"Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.\"
Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, \"Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.\"
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, \"Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people really happy.\"
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Posted: 2006-02-08 03:02:27
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