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Three women - 2 younger and 1 senior citizen - were sitting naked in a
sauna; suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
" That was my pager" she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The older woman felt very low tech. Not to be outdone,she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that.................I'm getting a fax!"
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www.dnbradio.com[ This Message was edited by: batesie on 2006-03-26 20:41 ]
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Posted: 2006-03-26 21:40:41
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Bill Gates in Afterlife
Bill Gates died. He was sent to the Afterlife Waiting Room. He was met by St. Peter, who asked him if he wanted to go to Heaven or Hell, and if he'd like to see them before he decided. Bill said yes, and St. Peter snapped his fingers. They appeared on a sunny beach, with people dancing, swimming, and playing volleball. Just basically having a wonderful time. Good food, good music, good people. Bill turns to St. Peter and says, "Wow, Heaven is great!" St. Peter says, "This isn't Heaven, it's Hell. Want to see Heaven?" Mr. Gates nods yes, and they appear in a shady park, with a few old people sitting on benches feeding birds. A gentle breeze blows by, and all is quiet and serene. St. Peter asks Bill, "Well, which would you like?" Bill thinks for a minute, and says, "Well, if this is Heaven, then I'll take Hell." Instantly, he was plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, the screams of other tortured souls filling his ears. He looks up, and sees St. Peter in the waiting room. Bill calls out to him, and said, "Hey! What's going on? Where's the beach? The bikini-clad women? The party?"
St. Peter turns from his Macintosh to face Bill, and says,
"That was just the demo."
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Posted: 2006-03-26 23:21:22
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Bill Gates and the CD of Power
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. To my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on.
I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said "Do not worry, it is unharmed." After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said "Take a close look at it."
To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth.
4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D
"I cannot read the fiery letters," I said. "No," he said, "but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says"
"One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
I almost fell off my seat when i read this one
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Posted: 2006-03-26 23:29:03
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Quote:Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
Quote:A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island, and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual s*x, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having s*x with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
So................
......They buried her
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Posted: 2006-03-27 04:38:16
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Posted: 2006-03-27 04:47:54
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A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:
- As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.
- Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
- Strike while the... bug is close.
- It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
- Never underestimate the power of... termites.
- You can lead a horse to water but... how?
- Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
- No news is... impossible.
- A miss is as good as a... Mr.
- You can't teach an old dog new... math.
- If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
- Love all, trust... me.
- The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
- An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
- Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.
- Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!
- A penny saved is... not much.
- Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
- Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
- None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
- Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
- If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
- You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
- When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.
- There is no fool like... Aunt Eddie.
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Posted: 2006-03-29 22:15:21
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A man goes into a chemist one Friday morning and says to guy behind the counter 'OK, I have 3 stunning work colleagues coming round tonight and I need something to help me satisfy all 3, all weekend, do you have anything?'
The chemist reaches under the counter, and pulls out some extra strength Viagra 'This should do the trick', to which the man grins, pays and leaves.
Monday morning, the chemist recognises his first customer, its the man from Friday, and asks him how his weekend went.
The man replies 'Just look at this', and drops his trousers, revealing a battered and bruised penis, sores all over it, bleeding, then asks 'Do you sell Deep Heat?'
The chemist replies 'We do but you can't put it on that!'
The man says 'Oh no, its for my shoulder, they never came round in the end!'
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Posted: 2006-04-04 19:12:59
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a man walks into a bar with a girafe he has a pint then walks out the bar tender shouts hey u cant leave that lyin there then the man says its not a lion its a girafe.
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Posted: 2006-04-11 23:38:45
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woman asks man!
\"I'm hungry.\" = I'm hungry.
\"I'm sleepy.\" = I'm sleepy.
\"I'm tired.\" = I'm tired.
\"Do you want to go to a movie?\" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
\"Can I take you out to dinner?\" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
\"Can I call you sometime?\" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
\"May I have this dance?\" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
\"Nice dress!\" = Nice cleavage!
\"You look tense, let me give you a massage.\" = I want to fondle you.
(while shopping) \"I like that one better.\" = Pick any freakin dress and let's go home!
\"What's wrong?\" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
\"What's wrong?\" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
\"What's wrong?\" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
\"I'm bored.\" = Do you want to have sex?
\"I love you.\" = Let's have sex now.
\"I love you, too.\" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
\"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.\" = I liked it better before.
\"Let's talk.\" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
\"Will you marry me?\" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
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Posted: 2006-04-24 23:22:51
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A train hits a busload of catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They all wind up in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl is pushing her way to the front of the queue. When she reaches the front St. Peter says, "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her arse in it."
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Posted: 2006-04-25 00:00:42
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