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Posted: 2006-04-25 11:17:32
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Two Essex blondes walk into Harrods, they walk up to the perfumery and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it onto her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?" "Yeah Shaz. what's it called?". "Viens a moi, Trace". "What the hell does that mean?" At this moment the sales girl offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for come to me". Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracy saying ....." That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"
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Posted: 2006-05-20 01:41:42
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EastCoastStar Posts: > 500
A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart
Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they
really look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
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Posted: 2006-05-25 18:35:07
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54 and 18
>>> >> >
>>> >> > Husband wrote the following letter for his wife
>>> >> > and left it on the
>>> >> > dining room table:
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> > "To My Dear Wife,
>>> >> >
>>> >> > You will surely understand that I have certain
>>> >> > needs that you, being
>>> >> > 54
>>> >> > years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy
>>> >> > with you and I value
>>> >> > you
>>> >> > as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this
>>> >> > letter, I hope that you
>>> >> > will
>>> >> > not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
>>> >> > spending the evening with
>>> >> > my
>>> >> > 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
>>> >> > Please don't be upset -
>>> >> > I
>>> >> > shall be home before midnight."
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> > When the man came home late that night, he found
>>> >> > the following letter
>>> >> > on
>>> >> > the dining room table:
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> > "My Dear Husband,
>>> >> >
>>> >> > I received your letter and thank you for your
>>> >> > honesty about my being
>>> >> > 54
>>> >> > years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
>>> >> > remind you that you
>>> >> > are
>>> >> > also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher
>>> >> > at our local
>>> >> > college.
>>> >> > I would like to inform you that while you read this,
>>> >> > I will be at the
>>> >> > Hotel
>>> >> > Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also
>>> >> > the assistant
>>> >> > tennis
>>> >> > coach.
>>> >> >
>>> >> > He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is
>>> >> > 18 years old. As a
>>> >> > successful businessman who has an excellent
>>> >> > knowledge of Math, you will
>>> >> > understand that we are in the same situation,
>>> >> > although with one small
>>> >> > difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than
>>> >> > 54 goes into 18.
>>> >> > Therefore, I will not be home until sometime
>>> >> > tomorrow."
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Posted: 2006-05-29 17:50:10
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A drunk is sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and
raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention.
She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the
bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink."
She gets her drink and goes away.
Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her
and yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink."
She gets her drink and goes away again.
The bartender asks the drunk how he knows that she is a ballerina
given that she is a stranger and has never been in the bar before.
The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift
her leg that high."
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Posted: 2006-06-09 12:24:59
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A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to
tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old
house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good
stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams
the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can
buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old
scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a
scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.
The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only
6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good,
12-year-old scotch."
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality,
12-year-old scotch.
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire
episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass
down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out
the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"
The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the
sink, or else...
I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents
down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise
with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the
whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured
the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink
out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down
the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one
hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the
other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one
bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.
I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I
don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I
get.
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-06-09 11:36 ]
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Posted: 2006-06-09 12:34:28
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What a forum,
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some f**kin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f**kin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the f**kin’ French toast."
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Posted: 2006-06-20 21:51:08
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Its a beuatiful day. The sky is blue. The grass is green. Not a cloud in the sky. Two cows are enjoying the sunshine, and the first cow says
'moo.' The other cow says 'Ya W*nk*r i was gonna say that!
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Posted: 2006-06-25 17:24:47
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George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do,” says the Devil. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”
The Devil smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”
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Posted: 2006-08-30 01:02:06
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@axxxr
LMAO!!!
hahaha
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Posted: 2006-08-30 01:17:06
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