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@leeboy
Thanks
A pub is having a fancy dress night, and outside the bouncer in impressed by the costumes he's seen so far, when up walks a man, totally naked, covered in oil, with a naked girl on his back.
"I'm sorry, but there's no way you're coming in here tonight", says the bouncer.
"Why not?" the man replies.
"Firstly, this is a fancy dress party and you're not wearing a bloody thing, and secondly, what the hell's that girl doing on your back?"
"No costume?" replies the man. "I'm a snail, and this," he says pointing to the girl, "is Michelle."
_________________
I
my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 15:57 ]
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Posted: 2006-10-25 17:37:40
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cant believe i dont check this thread regular - will do from now on
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Posted: 2006-10-25 17:42:11
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There's few of people fishing by the river side and one of them is a very strange old man.. whenever he caught a big fish, he'll let it go free. But whenever he caught a small size fish, he keep it in a small plastic tank beside him.. One of the people around him was so curious and move towards the old man asked:
"Why do you let go the Big fish and keep the small one instead?"
The Old Man answered:
"I dont have the big size frying-pan you freak!"
Disclaimer: you may or may not laugh cause this is a cold joke
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Posted: 2006-10-25 17:45:10
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Posted: 2006-10-26 04:47:27
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@goldenface, @QuickShare, brilliant jokes those, keep them coming! i particularly like the blind pilot one. haha...
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Posted: 2006-10-26 06:55:00
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A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, " Mom am I a real polar bear?"
" Of course you are." His mother replied.
The young polar bear asked his father. " Dad, am I a real polar bear?" " Yes, you are a real polar bear."
A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, " Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?"
" Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents,
" Are all my relatives real polar bears?"
" Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. " Why do you ask?" replied his mother.
" Because," said the young polar bear," I' m f***ing freezing!
_________________
I
my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 15:58 ]
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Posted: 2006-10-26 15:57:24
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@goldenface
LMAO~!~~! mate your joke are SICK
~~
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Posted: 2006-10-26 16:05:13
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Old Man: " Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it' s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
" Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
" Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
" But ya f**k one goat . . . "
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Posted: 2006-10-26 16:30:12
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A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
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Posted: 2006-10-26 16:58:14
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A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and
said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever
you do,don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in ackowledgment. As the match started, the American
and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an
opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbed the
American and wrapped him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried
his face in his hands he knew all was lost. He couldn't even watch the
ending.
Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer
raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian
flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and
the American collapsed on top of him, making
the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler
alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever
done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up
when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and
saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to
lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit
those babies just as hard as I could."
"So," the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off, did it?"
"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
testicles!"
_________________
I
my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 15:59 ]
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Posted: 2006-10-26 17:20:36
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