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great... simply great joke goldenface
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[ This Message was edited by: QuickShare on 2006-10-27 15:00 ]
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Posted: 2006-10-27 16:00:31
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@goldenface, good one!
One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
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Posted: 2006-10-27 16:06:44
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A man is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through the "Big Book" to see if he is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and
says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really
good in your life, but you never did anything bad, either. If you can
convince me of one REALLY good thing you think you did in your life,
you're in."
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time I
was driving down the road and saw this group of really scary hell's
angles torturing a poor girl.
"I slowed down, stopped, got out of my car, grabbed an iron bar out of
the boot, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang - a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his ear to his nose. As I approached him, the gang formed a circle around me.
"So, I ripped the chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the bar. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them. 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!' "
St. Peter was impressed and says, "Really? And when did this happen?"
"Oh, about three minutes ago."
___________________________________________________________
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went
out to fire stations for miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company manager approached the chief fire officer and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved! I will give £50,000 to the crew that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the lead fireman heard this, he ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, manager of the company offered £100,000 to the fire crew that could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire engine came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire brigade composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company manager announced that he would double the reward to £200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.
After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire engine driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the 'kin brakes on that fire engine!"
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Posted: 2006-10-27 16:40:32
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The Giant Squid had obviously eaten something that didn't agree with him (shellfish can be so dodgy) and he was feeling decidedly off colour. He felt so bad in fact that he couldn't even summon the strength to swim home.
Suddenly he spied a Great White Shark coming and he thought he was in trouble. The shark realised that the squid was not acting right and enquired what the problem was. The squid explained his problem and said how bad he felt and that he was miles from home.
The shark said 'ok, just jump on my back...I'll take you' The squid was amazed but decided he had little choice.
The shark swam and swam but then went right past where the squid lived. The squid asked where they were going and the shark said 'oh, I just have to see a mate for a minute'
Suddenly the encountered a rough looking Killer Whale. The Killer Whale grunted a greeting and said 'whaddya want?'
The shark replied 'here's that sick squid I owe you'
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Posted: 2006-10-27 17:02:52
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Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son,that's
confidential!
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Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should
talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints...
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Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
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Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
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Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are yours???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
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[ This Message was edited by: QuickShare on 2006-10-28 02:28 ]
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Posted: 2006-10-28 03:28:24
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, firstwith the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep! None of us could get the jar opened."
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
--------------------------------
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married
again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel
chair.
with no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow
said.
"Just look at you... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on
you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled. "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in
bed ??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the
door bell, didn't I?"
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Posted: 2006-10-28 14:04:28
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@Cycovision
awesome jokes mate.. i enjoyed it
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Posted: 2006-10-28 14:21:37
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Just Imagine!
This must be one of the cleverest e-mails ever circulated. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. Just read on.
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z’S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKE:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
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Posted: 2006-10-28 23:56:39
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woman hitler !! lol !! hahahaha
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Posted: 2006-10-31 00:02:51
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Several men are in the locker room at a Golf Club. A cell phone laying on the bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, its me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat and its only $1500. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: I also stopped buy the Mercedes dealership and found a new SL500 that I want."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$108,000"
Man: "OK, but for that price it better come with all the options."
Woman: "Great, Oh, and one more thing.... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: " Well, then go ahead and make them an offer of $900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! Love you."
Man: "Bye, Love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Man: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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Posted: 2006-11-01 17:08:45
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