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rotflmao
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Posted: 2006-11-25 22:43:19
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Larry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Bill Johnson, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Larry, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Johnson...Is that you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Larry was working on a car. Larry in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
Johnson, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Larry, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
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Posted: 2006-11-27 17:26:01
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I ran into Marcus at work yesterday. He had been down for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!"
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Posted: 2006-11-30 16:54:52
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HAHA
that's a good one
got me another one? i'm bored at work atm
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Posted: 2006-12-11 17:37:22
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A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 American men and 1 American woman
H. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
What a Crazy coincidence! One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:
A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they spend time with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are happy together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.
F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.
G. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
H. What happened to the Indians????
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman!
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Posted: 2006-12-18 01:17:57
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Once upon a time, Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo
were all having a chat. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
And Tom Thumb said,
"I must be the smallest person in the world."
And Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
So the three of them decided to go to the office of the Guinness
Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official", she said, "I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I AM officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and forlorn and asked,
"Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?
_________________
I
my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 13:46 ]
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Posted: 2006-12-18 14:46:20
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Best of British
Be very proud to be British because:
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new sweater with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
And finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
RULE BRITANNIA!!
__________________________________________________
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes and the first thing he sees are two aspirin next to a glass of orange
juice on the end table. AND, next to them a single red rose! Jack sees his
clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room
and sees that it is in perfect order and spotlessly clean. The rest of the
house is also in perfect order. He takes the aspirin and cringes when he
sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. He sees a
note on the bedside table: Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to
go shopping. Love you!
Jack stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough there is his breakfast and the
morning newspaper on the table. His daughter is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks his daughter "What happened last night?"
She replies, "well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You broke some furniture, puked in the hall, and got that black eye when you
ran into the bedroom door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean. I have a rose and my
breakfast is waiting on the table for me?"
Daughter replies, "OH THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take off your pants, you screamed "LEAVE ME ALONE LADY, I'M MARRIED"
Broken Furniture - $185.26
Hot Breakfast - $5.90
Rose - $3.95
Two Aspirins - $ .38
Saying the right thing at the right time, PRICELESS!
_________________
I
my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 14:06 ]
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Posted: 2006-12-18 15:01:34
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Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working under your vehicle especially in public.
From the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
_________________
I
my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 14:17 ]
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Posted: 2006-12-18 15:17:14
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A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a large, lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises
a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
'Jesus, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and
demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'
'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the chicken surprise'
'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter.....
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
'I've brought you the Peking duck'
_________________
I
my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 14:31 ]
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Posted: 2006-12-18 15:30:36
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Quote:
On 2006-12-18 15:17:14, goldenface wrote:
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working under your vehicle especially in public.
From the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
_________________
I
my W900i
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-12-18 14:17 ]
that is class mate!!!!!!!
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Posted: 2006-12-18 15:50:55
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