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Hmmm
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Posted: 2002-07-20 17:16:00
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great jokes, keep em coming
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Posted: 2002-07-21 09:11:00
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Yeah I need something to cheer me up
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Posted: 2002-07-21 16:58:00
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Got some cool pictures.
[img]http://www15.brinkster.com/mhcq/mb/burn-fiver.gif/img]
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Posted: 2002-07-21 22:31:00
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mhorton pics do not work
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Posted: 2002-07-21 22:45:00
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same here, can't see nothin
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Posted: 2002-07-22 10:05:00
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"Pires has got something about him, he can go both ways depending on who's facing him" - David Pleat
"Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball" - Ian St John
"The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game" - Kevin Keegan
"Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give him one really hard" - Big Ron
"Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman" - Brian Moore
"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to thefinish" - Ian St John
"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored" - Terry Venables
"The Croatians don't play well without the ball" - Barry Venison
"It had to go in, but it didn't" - Peter Drury
"That's lifted the crowd up into the air" - Barry Davies
"He never fails to hit the target. But that was a miss." -Bobby Robson
"Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders" - Kevin Keegan
More Kevin Keegan (retired footballer/active TV audience annoyer) specials:
"Only one team can win this game....and that team is England", followed by
Brian Moore "But wait a minute, here's Dan Petrescu...................."
"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose"
"That would have been a goal if the goalkeeper hadn't saved it"
"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that
it's completely different"
"A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm -and it nearly came off"
Some Big Rons:
"Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind"
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all
over their faces"
"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to
carry on their shoulders"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw"
"He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate"
"I'm afraid they've left their legs at home"
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Posted: 2002-07-23 19:00:00
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10 things you should not say to a Speed Cop
1. I bet this shiny new 50 cent piece can make you forget the whole thing.
2. Never mind speed - is there anywhere I can score some hash in this dump of a county?
3. When are you going to get a real job? Your mother and I are worried sick about you.
4. No, I have no idea how fast I was going - but my beer was splashing all over the place.
5. Do you know how much tax I paid last year? I pay your bloody wages!
6. What is that you're jabbering - some sort of local dialect? Speak English, dammit!
7. I have a special licence to speed - look, it says "Tear along the dotted line" right there.
8. I know you're just doing your job, guard, and to see that makes me so proud to be the eldest son of the Minister for Justice.
9. Was that you I saw in the Irish Gay Pride march? I think it shows real courage for a guard to come out like that.
10. Well, look, you'd hardly travel at the national speed limit when trying to get through Limerick, now would you ?
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Posted: 2002-07-23 19:01:00
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Stupid People - How some people qualify as Idiots
How some people qualify as Idiots...
Idiot #1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Idiot #2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a liferaft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised bya Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Idiot #3
A true story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked in to the branch and wrote,"This iz a stikkup.Put all your munyinthisbag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line,he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that he could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.
Idiot #4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture - of handcuffs.
Idiot #5
A Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashierto put it in the bag as well, but he refused,"Because I don't believe you are over 21".
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.
At this point the robber took his driver's licenseout of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
Idiot #6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The firstone shouted, "Nobody move!".
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Idiot #7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
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Posted: 2002-07-23 19:02:00
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Extracts from Resignation Letters
Where can I get a new Job ? First you have to write your resignation letter and tell your boss to get lost, these are ways other people quit their jobs.
Dear Mr.Chambers,
I Quit !
An offer of 1 million pounds plus free sex with a page three girl could not convince me
to stay with your company. A position of junior goat herder in Mongolia would be a more
positive career step, than staying here.
What a shame. Our group have worked well, but, yet have been criminally overlooked.
Finally: If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Signed,
K. Simpson
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FAO : Lisa S. Bramer
Please take note of the fact that I am hereby tendering my resignation from ***,
effective, September 1, 2000.
While I have a high degree of personal respect for you and the opportunities you
have offered me, I am no longer comfortable working for a technology organization
largely populated by politocrats, vengeful rivalries, and fiefdoms reminiscent of
imperial Chinese literature. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be tied in a
leather bag with ravenous, rabid ocelots than remain at this company any longer than
the next two weeks.
It was my sincere hope that the reptilian extraterrestrial tyrants who clandestinely
own and operate the Technology Group would reveal themselves during my tenure here,
but it appears they are far cannier then I ever gave them credit for.
Hopefully, their insidious plot to befoul the Americanfinancial industry with foolish
and ill-advised technology policies will eventually be revealed, but until then it seems
their plans may march on uncontested. I give you due credit, for choosing to remain
here to fight this hideous alien menace from within.
God's speed, and may the Force be with you.
Sincerely,
Tom Flander
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Dear Editor,
I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your increasingly
leaky vessel.
Yours,
Harold Jameson
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Mr. X,
As an employee of an institution of higher education,I have a few very basic expectations.
Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common
ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoyingharassment of myself and my co-workers
during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true
genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little
nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste
of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.
I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement
to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of
"cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as
incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand
why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this
will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality
than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others.
You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for yourinterview, but now
that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off onoverworked staff, hoping their talent will
cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that
everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal,
I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
Regards,
Jan Van Bronkel
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Dear Unpersonable B*tch
As per the piece of crap I signed on my first day of this dreaded job, I hereby give 2 minutes
notice of myintention to leave this awful company. I want to thank you for all you have not
done for me in my employment here.
It has been sheer torture working for you and representing this crappy company.
It is now time for me to move on and I have accepted a position as a garbage person.
This decision was quite easy and took little consideration.
However, I am confident that this new role represents a step up from this piece of crap job.
I wish the company would go to pieces and hope one day you too will realise that you cannot
manage your way out of a paper bag.
Glad to be gone,
Jenna Anderson
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Posted: 2002-07-23 19:05:00
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