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I got this from my favourite joke site -
Free Funny Jokes
The following are apparently actual medical records taken from patients' charts around North America:
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The patient refused an autopsy.
- The patient has no past history of suicides.
- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
- Male patient insists that his HIV was inherited, and not from sexual activity.
- Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
- Discharge status: Alive, but without permission.
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
- The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
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Posted: 2007-04-06 09:22:04
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Some of them were quite funny.
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Posted: 2007-05-02 09:38:59
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On 2007-03-27 20:08:43, methylated_spirit wrote:
Whats 3 feet long and hates sex?
The boy in my cupboard
On what page of Michael Jackson's autobiography is dat from Meth
?
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Posted: 2007-05-05 09:06:43
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A man walks into a bar and orders one shot.
Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot.
After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
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Posted: 2007-05-20 10:31:34
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That little office assistant just keeps getting smarter
_________________
Dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do... annoying isnt it??
[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-05-20 15:22 ]
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Posted: 2007-05-20 16:20:13
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http://cummingthefragrance.co[....]ode=CTF&Product_Code=ctf_clean
Got THIS somewhere !!=>
an email from sick piece Alan Cumming with his fun new line of merch:
Hi everyone! It's Alan!
I'm writing to tell you more about the first of our new range of Cumming products - Cumming clean, the body cleanser! I've enjoyed CUMMING in the shower so much I've decided to let everyone have a go! But there's more to it than you think. This isn't your average body cleanser. First of all, did you know that traditional body cleansers use thickening ingredients to give you lather but they also really dry out your skin? Well, we've formulated a cleanser- with glycerin- that lathers only slightly leaving your skin soft, clean and retaining its own natural moisture as well as a hint of Cumming the fragrance. And it's concentrated - you only need to use a little to keep CUMMING for a very long time.
Manly, moist and malleable. What could be better? Well, bigger, of course! Duh!
And you don't get much bigger than our 8", 12 fluid ounce bottle. Oh yeah baby. The best part of the package is the box - the inside of which is covered in pictures of me in various homages to fragrance ads of yesteryear. What are you waiting for?
Check out Cumming clean and our other products at
www.cummingthefragrance.com
Peace!
Love from Alan xxx
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Posted: 2007-05-22 08:24:37
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sent to me from my mum... I normally send 'em back but... this is one of her best!
20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Waste Bin On Your Desk And Label It "In"
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. On The Stubs Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8 . Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out Of The Cash Point, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Car Park, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called . therapy
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Posted: 2007-05-22 22:34:36
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Very good, very good! Cheered me up.
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Posted: 2007-05-24 09:21:54
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Sign at golf club:
any preson (exept players) caught collecting golf balls will be prosecuted and have their balls removed
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Posted: 2007-05-24 13:58:28
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The fish is already laughing
i have hundruds more
_________________
Dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do... annoying isnt it??
[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-05-24 13:11 ]
[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-05-24 13:21 ]
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Posted: 2007-05-24 14:06:32
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