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Dunno if this has been posted, but not reading through 117 pages
A white man lives peacefully with a tribe in the rainforest for 30 years. During his 30th year the Chief of the tribe comes to talk to him. He says,
"Because you have been a member of our tribe for so long, we are giving you a warning. A baby has been born which is white and you are the only white person within this village. Therefore it is logical that you are the father of the baby. Our law dictates that we are to kill you because of this, but we will grant you half a day to leave before we come after you."
The man thinks on this a minute and then says,
"Chief, miracles happen everyday and all over the place. Look over there at those sheep. They all came from white parents yet that one is black. See chief, it is a miracle."
The chief then looks around and says,
"Ok, you say nothing about that sheep and I say nothing about that baby."
[ This Message was edited by: Tiny on 2007-06-11 20:27 ]
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Posted: 2007-06-11 21:25:57
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One cold night there were 2 nurses walking through the morgue.
At that momment the first nurse asked the other nurse if she had ever had sex with a dead body. "no why?" she replied whats it feal like? "Its amazing! The other nurse said".
"I better not im on my periods", she replied
"Oh come on" said the other nurse, "its the ride of a life time!"
Finaly after the pressure of the other nurese, the woman agreed and had sex with the dead corpse. A few seconds later, when she caught her breath, she commented on how great it was, only to be interuptted by the dead body which jsut sat up: "Wow, its amazing what a blood transfussion can do these days!"
[ This Message was edited by: KingBooker5 on 2007-06-16 10:43 ]
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Posted: 2007-06-16 11:42:26
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There was a PC gamer who was sent to the Hell after his death. And after some time spent there Satan calls god and tells him:
- Why did you sent me this idiot. He has killed all the demons, demolished everything and now three days is running around the halls and asking: "Where is the entering to the next level?".
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Posted: 2007-06-16 12:15:27
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One day at school a few years ago, the teacher went in the class room and saw the word penus written on the chalk board.
She amediately rubbed it out and questioned all the kids in class but non owned up. The next day she came in the class and the word penus was written on the board but it was noticabley larger then the large writing.
She rubbed it out again, and questioned the class. Days past and the word Penus was always writen on the board and each day, it was always bigger then the day before, and each day the teacher rubbed it out.
However the next month it said somthing a bit diffrent
: "wow lady, that was a wonderfull expiriance, each day you rubbed me, I got larger and larger and when I couldnt get any bigger I resorted to this, the white substance your reading right now on the chalk board!"
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Posted: 2007-06-16 18:52:15
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A mans wife dies in Israel whilst on holiday.The official's say, we can bury your wife here for £150 or we can prepare and fly the body home for £15000.
The husband says "I want her flown home."
The official says "Why pay all that money when you can have a good funeral here for £150."
The husband replies "2000 years ago a man died in this country and 3 days later he rose from the dead.I just can't taking that f**king chance."
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Posted: 2007-06-24 12:11:12
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Posted: 2007-06-24 12:36:06
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
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Posted: 2007-06-24 17:28:34
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Posted: 2007-06-24 18:35:31
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good 1 king
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Posted: 2007-06-24 20:16:20
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lol thanks guys, I have another one:
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big nice deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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Posted: 2007-06-24 20:31:36
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