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Posted: 2007-06-24 20:40:19
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An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'nice get in there you cool!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the nice manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cool', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cooling window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cools blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".
'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'f**k it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I nice wrote it!
excuse the swearing....
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Posted: 2007-06-24 21:02:48
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i now know where to come for me jokes.
for the slow HERE!!!
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Posted: 2007-06-25 20:11:28
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Little mary.
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
_________________
my birthday: 9th july
Caught: now i know how pepsi is made
meths hasn't posted in a while[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-06-25 20:02 ]
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Posted: 2007-06-25 21:01:50
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This thread is huge, I've been reading it for years but my memory is appalling so apologies if these have been posted before.
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
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A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only £20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
_________________
If your life seems dull and boring, that's probably because it is.
[ This Message was edited by: Cycovision on 2007-06-25 20:14 ]
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Posted: 2007-06-25 21:11:54
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Dr. Paul's' lost tounge twister
see if you can do this:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top. Betcha you can't resist passing it on.
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also do as me sig says : are you mad at me? if not press alt+F4
_________________
my birthday: 9th july
Are you mad at me? If not, press Alt+F4
[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-06-26 19:57 ]
[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-08-28 19:50 ]
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Posted: 2007-06-26 20:55:42
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lol
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Posted: 2007-06-26 22:44:11
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Bastards.......
Just got chucked out and barred from the local swimming pool cos I has speedo trunks on...
What I didn't know was that the "s" had fell off the logo......
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Posted: 2007-06-26 23:34:00
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A boy runs into his Gran. "Gran have you seen my pills from my room marked LSD"??
Gran replies "f*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen"??
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Posted: 2007-06-27 00:12:53
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Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo, they came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This facinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it. One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non stop.
.when he was done the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visited him at the hospital and asked "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?" he shouted. "Wouldn't you be?"That big ape hasn't called, he hasnt written....."
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Posted: 2007-06-27 00:17:15
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