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LMAO!!
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Posted: 2007-07-09 20:25:52
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http://msgboard.snopes.com/me[....]t_topic/f/60/t/001268/p/2.html
I was initially mistaken to think these were some Astronauts discussing some Time n Motion or space events or Nobel Laureates doing Hi end anatomical research!!
LoL.. some people have really lot of time at hand
(oops!! that applies to most of us here in the garbage threads too)
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Posted: 2007-07-10 09:55:25
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Well this joke is sooooo childish but im goinng to say it anyway:
Teacher Says: Rodger you can leave class now !
Rodger Says: Why ?
Teacher says: The bell has gone.
Rodger Says: I didn't take it !
Ahahaha the bell, get it ? Sorry for wastin your time.
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Posted: 2007-07-10 10:10:54
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http://www.flurl.com/item/Orgasm__Auditions__u_212099
and the parameter's for judging were¿¿¿
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Posted: 2007-07-10 10:19:08
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Got 2:
An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.
The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."
"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man’s crazy.
"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."
Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the young guy.
"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I’ll wait for the police."
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A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids come in and share their stories. “My daddy told me about my uncle Dave,” says one boy. “He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands.”
“What is the moral of that horrible story?” yelps the mortified teacher.
“Stay away from Uncle Dave when he’s drinking.”
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Posted: 2007-07-12 13:23:33
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Horse walks into a bar, barman says, "whats with the long face?"
Horse walks into a bar carrying some jump leads, barman says, "I can cope with the long face, just don't try startin anything ok?"
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Posted: 2007-07-22 13:26:08
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The following is an old one but still makes me crack up every time, especially the last one:
Are You an Unreconstructed, Right-on, Rogue Male
Or a Delivery Boy of the New Male Order?
Are You a Man or a Louse?
Find Out Below.
1. A woman whispers "Do me now, big boy..." in your ear. She is obviously:
a) Short sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless
sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A recording.
2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Sex.
b) nice.
c) Enclosure.
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.
3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both
shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
b) Blood-test results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila slammers.
4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss Sportsnight.
5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.
6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100 extra.
7. Your girlfriend says she's gained two kilos in weight in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours.
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem - she can join your gym.
d) A conservative estimate.
8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.
9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest day of
my life..."
b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a
lamb..."
c) Take her to the abortion clinic.
d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.
10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
11. A wife is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
12. Masturbation is:
a) Sex with someone you love.
b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
c) A team sport.
d) A cheap date.
13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
a) When she drops her nail file.
b) When she goes the colour of a Chicago Bulls uniform.
c) When the Earth moves.
d) Who cares?
14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.
15. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing
sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please, Carol...."
16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect:
a) An overdraft.
b) A blow job.
c) Her to pay next time.
d) A thank-you letter.
17. You call your penis:
a) John Thomas.
b) Terry-Thomas.
c) Massive.
d) On its birthday.
18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetiser is to entree.
c) Trailer is to feature.
d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.
19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
b) Free Mike Tyson.
c) Free Willy.
d) Free condom with this survey.
20. During sex you:
a) Haggle.
b) Talk dirty.
c) Talk of love.
d) Talk on the phone.
21. Your local Mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) Never going to vote anyway.
22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
a) Easier.
b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
d) A tricky defense in court.
23. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
c) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."
24. At what point do you put on the condom?:
a) Before you go out.
b) Before you pass out.
c) As a party trick.
d) Never.
25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and
a carving knife in the other. Do you:
a) Talk through her anger.
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
d) Ask her to put down the knife.
26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
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Posted: 2007-07-22 13:37:51
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A united fan, a liverpool fan and a jamaican were all in the maternity ward, when the nurse said " Im sorry but we have mixed your babies up, your going to have to pick your own.
So the United fan walks over and picks the black baby up.
At this point the jamaican says " thats clearly my baby " to which the United fan replies " look mate one of those f*****s is a scouse c**t and i'm not willing to take any chances.
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Posted: 2007-07-22 14:13:12
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Old couple in church, during the service wife whispers "I've just done a silent fart, what should i do?"
he says...
"put a battery in your f*****g hearing aid!"
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Posted: 2007-07-22 14:16:42
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Different types of Shit (film style)
The "Alien" shit
This is where your shit bursts out of your arse, leaving you.. well...dead
The "Green Mile" shit
Its big and black, but you feel like you're the one on death row
The "Rocky" shit
It's come a long way, defeating all the odds it was a miilion to one shot, but it pulled all the punches "Yo Adrian I Did It"
The "Armageddon" shit
This is it its the end of the world, your brow is sweating, brace for impact. But don't worry, Brucie is there to help.
The "Day After Tomorrow" shit
You're sat on the bog, you need to go, but nothings happenin. 48 hours later when your in a business meeting...
The "Star Trek" shit
This bad boy is givin you problems, you wish you could transport it out of there
The "Fast And The Furious" shit
Nuff said
The "Land Of The Dead" shit
WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN EATING, GOD THAT STINKS, SMELLS LIKE ROTTING CORPSES
The "Gladiator" shit
This shit is huge, so huge it could conquer an army!!
Can anyone come up with any others?
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Posted: 2007-07-22 19:01:47
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