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Inflight Announcements
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel freeto move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insertthe metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how tooperate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?". "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?". The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot own?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
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Posted: 2002-07-23 19:07:00
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The following are reputed to be genuine excerpts from complaints sent to landlords:
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked; where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp. We have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it?
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
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Posted: 2002-07-23 19:08:00
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True extracts from insurance claim forms. These are NEW (mostly), and are the collection made by a UK Insurance firm for their annual Christmas magazine.
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought".
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Mooo
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it"
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car"
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth"
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
--
Posted: 2002-07-23 19:14:00
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Problems with Foreign Product Names
1. Coors Beer put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
--
Posted: 2002-07-23 19:16:00
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These extracts are taken from real CVs ( Resumes ) and covering letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage"
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
--
Posted: 2002-07-23 19:18:00
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Famous TV Quotes - "Oh No, What have I just said ..."
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them -
Oh my God, what have I just said?'
( US TV commentator Jonny Huntridge )
'I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs...'
( Andy Gray, Sky Sports )
'This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.'
( Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator )
'Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks,ago'
( David Coleman )
'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
( Metro Radio )
' ....and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..'
( Sue Barker )
Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
Chris Eubank: 'On what?'
' And for those of you who watched the last programme ( Fanny and Johnny Craddock Cookery Programme on the BBC ), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fannys '
( David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day )
'I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones'
( Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992 )
'I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered'
( George Best )
'If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent'
( Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990 )
Richard Keys : Well Roy, do you think that you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league ?
Roy Evans : You have to finish above everyone to win the league Richard
'If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen.'
( Terry Venebals, Capital Gold )
'It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday.'
( Radio 5 Live )
'Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money.'
( Newcastle United Fan, Radio 5 Live )
'I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it.'
( Alan Ball )
'Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different.'
( Trevor Brooking )
'Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badlycut forehead.'
( Tom Ferrie )
'And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out.'
( Dave Bassett )
'And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds.'
( Peter Jones )
'What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal.'
( Jimmy Hill )
'Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins.'
( Brian Moore )
'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'
( David Acfield )
'What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio.'
( Gerry Francis )
Headline - John Harkes going to Sheffield, Wednesday.
( New York Post, 1993 )
'If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers.'
( Mick Lyons )
'He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head.'
( Derek Johnstone- BBC TV Scotland, 1994 )
'The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did.'
( Barry Davies, 1975 )
'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel'
( Stuart Pearce, 1992 )
Jimmy Hill: Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?
Terry Venables: I think it's fifty- fifty
There's nobody fitter at his age, except maybe Raquel Welch
( Ron Atkinson lauds Gordon Strachan, 39 )
Manchester United take more in programme sales than we take on the gate
( Lawrie McMenemy, Southampton )
If I walked on water, my accusers would say it is because I can't swim
( Berti Vogts, Germany coach )
You don't have to have been a horse to be a jockey
( Arrigo Sacchi, Italy coach, defending a meagre playing record )
Love is good for footballers, as long as it is not at half-time
( Richard Moller Nielsen, Denmark coach )
I was about to say, before something far more interesting interrupted.
( John Motson, France v Bulgaria )
Why didn't you just belt it son?
( Gareth Southgate's mother reflects publicly on her son's penalty miss )
The only way we will be going to Europe is if the club splash out and take us all to Eurodisney
( Dean Holdsworth, Wimbledon )
I was shocked when I was first introduced to the fans because they brought out a sheep, cut its head offand then smeared blood over my forehead
( Manchester United's Ronnie Johnsen on life with Besiktas, Turkey )
If the players want to make it hard for me, I am happy to make it twice as hard for them
( Wendy Toms, the first female referee to officiate in a professional game )
The score is Sunderland nil, Leicester nil, the temperature is nil and the entertainment value is not much above nil
( Sunderland v Leicester, Radio 5 Live )
I think having Wasps around here as well gives us that little buzz around the place
(Ray Wilkins on the QPR-Wasps groundshare)
This is an unusual Scotland side because they have good players
( Praise for the Under-21s from Javier Clemente, Spain's coach )
There are some great defenders here, I just don't know their names
( David Ginola of Newcastle and France )
It's sod's law. Now I've got time to improve my golf it's the wrong time of year
( Howard Wilkinson when sacked by Leeds )
I know where he should have put his flag up, and he'd have got plenty of help
( Ron Atkinson at Stamford Bridge )
The referee was booking everyone. I thought he was filling in his lottery numbers
( Ian Wright )
'Asking Ruud Gullit to perform in this sort of match is like asking Kiri te Kanawa to jam with the Spice Girls.'
( 5 Live's Pat Murphy on the lousy pitch at Derby and the ill-tempered nature of the game )
'We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite'
( Murray Walker )
'The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense.'
( Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991 )
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country"
( Ian Rush )
'Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator'
( John Arlott )
'Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play'
( Peter Lorenzo )
'We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized.'
( Ian McNail )
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body'
( Winston Bennett )
'The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.'
( Murray Walker )
'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. '
( Greg Norman )
'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious.'
( Alan Minter )
'The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball.'
( John Francombe )
'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
( Terry Venables )
'We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival.'
( Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich )
'I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better'.
( Ron Atkinson )
'He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces.'
( Ron Atkinson )
'I never comment on referees and I'm not going to brek the habit of a lifetime for that pratt.'
( Ron Atkinson )
'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.'
( Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977 )
'Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists.'
( David Vine )
'Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.'
( David Coleman )
'Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of.'
( David Coleman )
'To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.'
( Ruud Gullit )
'Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
( Ron Atkinson )
'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'
( David Acfield )
'What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?'
( Stuart all - Radio 5 live )
'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona'
( Mark Draper - Aston Villa )
'There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class'
( David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics )
'...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion'
( John Arlott )
'These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them'
( Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta )
"In terms of the Richter scale, this defeat was a force eight gale."
( John Lyall )
"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails."
( Richard Park )
"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
( Dave Bassett, speaking on Sky Sports )
"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."
( John Greig )
"My parents have been there for me. Ever since I was about seven."
( David Beckham )
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game, as long as we won the league."
( Mark Viduka )
"We lost because we didn't win."
( Ronaldo )
"I've had 14 bookings this season - eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputable."
( Paul Gascoigne )
"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
( Ian Wright )
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
( Alan Shearer )
"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
( Thierry Henry )
"Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win."
( Vinny Jones )
"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level."
( David Beckham)
--
Posted: 2002-07-23 19:22:00
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These are Signs translated into English Seen in various international locales:
1. Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
Ladies are requested not to have Children in the bar
2. At A Budapest Zoo:
Please Do Not Feed The Animals. If You Have Any Suitable Food, Give It To The Guard On Duty
3. Doctor's Office, Rome:
Specialist In Women And Other Diseases
4. Hotel, Acapulco:
The Manager Has Personally Passed All The Water Served Here
5. Information Booklet About Using A Hotel Air Conditioner, Japan:
Cooles And Heates: If You Want Just Condition Of Warm Air In your Room. Please Control Yourself
6. Car Rental brochure, Tokyo:
When Passenger Of Foot Heave In Sight, Tootle The horn. Trumpet Him Melodiously At First, But If He Still Obstacles Your Passage Then Tootle Him with Vigor.
7. Drycleaner's, Bangkok:
Drop Your Trousers Here For The Best Results.
8. In A Nairobi Restaurant:
Customers Who Find Our Waitresses Rude Ought To See The Manager.
9. On The grounds Of A Private School:
No Trespassing Without Permission
10. On An Athi River Highway:
Take Notice:
When this Sign Is Under Water, This Road Is Impassable
11. On a poster At Kencom:
Are You An Adult That Cannot Read? If So, We Can help
12. In A City Restaurant:
Open Seven Days a Week And Weekends
13. A Sign Seen On An Automatic
Restroom hand Dryer: Do Not Activate With Wet Hands
14. In a Cemetery:
Persons Are Prohibited From Picking Flowers From Any But Their Own Graves.
15. Tokyo Hotel's Rules And Regulations:
Guests Are Requested Not To Smoke Or Do Other Disgusting Behaviours In Bed
16. Hotel Notice, Tokyo:
It Is Forbidden to Steal Hotel Towels Please. If You Are Not A Person To Do Such A Thing Is Please Not To Had Notice
17. On The Menu Of A Swiss
Restaurant:
Our Wines Leave You Nothing to Hope For
18. In A Tokyo Bar:
Special Cocktails For The Ladies With Nuts
19. In A Bangkok Temple:
It Is Forbidden to enter A Woman Even A Foreigner If Dressed As A Man
20.Hotel Brochure, Italy:
This Hotel Is Renowned For Its Peace And solitude. In Fact, Crowds From All over The World Flock Here To Enjoy Its Solitude
21. Hotel Lobby, Bucharest:
The Lift Is being Fixed For The Next Day. During That Time We Regret That You Will Be Unbearable
22. Hotel Elevator, Paris:
Please leave Your Values At The Front Desk
23. Hotel, Yugoslavia
The Flattening Of Underwear With Pleasure Is The Job Of The Chambermaid
24. Hotel, Japan:
You Are Invited to take Advantage Of The Chambermaid
25. In The Lobby Of a Moscow Hotel
Across From A Russian Orthodox Monastery: You Are Welcome to Visit The Cemetery Where Famous Russian And Soviet Composers,Artists, And Writers Are Buried Daily Except Thursday.
26.Taken From A Menu, Poland:
Salad A Firm's Own Make; Limpid Red Beet Soup With Cheesy Dumplings In The Form Of A Finger; Roasted Duck Let loose; Beef Rashers Beaten In The Country People's Fashion.
27. Supermarket, Hong Kong:
For Your Convenience, We recommend Courteous, Efficient Self-Service.
28. From The"Soviet Weekly":
There Will Be A Moscow Exhibition Of Arts By 15,000 Soviet Republic painters And Sculptors. These Were Executed Over The Past Two Years.
29. In An East African Newspaper:
A New Swimming Pool Is Rapidly Taking Shape Since The Contractors Have Thrown In The Bulk Of Their Workers.
30. Hotel,Vienna:
In Case Of Fire, Do Your Utmost To Alarm The Hotel Porter.
31. A Sign Posted In Germany's Black Forest:
It Is strictly Forbidden On Our Black Forest Camping Site That People Of different sex, For Instance, Men And Women, Live Together In One Tent Unless they Are Married With Each Other For This Purpose
32. Spotted In A Toilet In A London Office Block
Toilet Out Of Order.
Please Use Floor Below.
33. Notice In Health Food Shop Window
Closed Due To Illness.
34. Spotted In A Safari Park
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.
35. Seen During A Conference
For Anyone Who Has Children And Doesn't Know It, There Is A Creche On The First Floor.
36. Sign Warning Of Quicksand
Quicksand !
Any Person Passing This Point Will Be Drowned. By Order Of The District Council.
37. Outside A Farm
Horse Manure
50c - per Pre-Packed Bag
20c - Do-It-Yourself.
38. Sign In A Launderette
Automatic Washing Machines:
Please Remove All Your Clothes When The Light Goes Out.
39. Sign in an Irish office
After morning coffee break, staff should empty the pot and stand upside down on the draining board.
40. Sign in another office
Would the person who took the step ladder without premission yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
41. Sign in a London department store
Bargain Basement Upstairs.
--
Posted: 2002-07-23 19:24:00
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The words of Homer J Simpson ( Homer Simpson Quotes )
[Praying heavenward]
Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!
Homer: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs hysterically] So to answer your question, I don't know.
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
Homer: God bless those pagans.
Homer Simpson: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.
Dealer: 19.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 20.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 21.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 22.
Homer: D'oh!
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Oooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain sodium benzoate.
[Homer looks puzzled.] That's bad.!?
Homer: Can I go now?
Homer: Here are your messages: You have 30 minutes to move your car. You have 10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have 30 minutes to move your cube
Marge: I think we're going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now
Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.
Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.
Homer: Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.
Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening
Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
[Homer is a Blackjack dealer]
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.
James Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. [Homer deals Bond a card.] Joker? You're supposed to take these out of the deck.
Homer: Oh, sorry, I'll give you another one.
[Homer deals Bond another card.]
James Bond: What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond...
[Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him.]
James Bond: But... but wait! It was Homer's fault. I can't lose! I never lose!
[Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino.] At least tell me your plans for world domination!
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho ho, I'm not falling for THAT one again.
Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Astra: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hill-billy or chimpanzee!
[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket.]
Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine."
Guard: And your name is...?
Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine.
Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.
Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now
Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
[doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick--
Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
Homer: Well Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that?
Marge: It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe?
Homer: Of course not. But you know something?
Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
Homer: It's like David and Goliath, only this time
David won!
Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning
Lisa Simpson: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer: Boy, I don't know. You'd have to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot!
[Marge whispers something in his ear] I knew that.
Homer: Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Pepi: Tell me more! I want to know ALL the constellations!
Homer: Well, that one's Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan, the cowboy.
Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa! Get in here. [Lisa walks in] In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson,
Lisa: never help anyone.
Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving!
Homer: There, there, Bart. If something's hard, then it's not worth doing
[Homer can't stop the monorail]
Marge: I've brought somebody to help you.
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: It's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?
Marge: It's NOT Batman.
Homer: I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musty odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.
Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus
Homer: Bad bees! Get away from my sugar! Ow! Ow!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!
Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute
Homer: Look Marge, you don't know what it's like -- I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!
[Homer is teaching a university course on marriage]
Homer: I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
Krabappel: We need names!
Homer: Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson!"
[Ned and Homer are driving in a snowstorm.]
Ned Flanders: Homer, we just hit something!
Homer: Ooooooh, I hope it was Flanders
Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
Homer: (Offering Lisa a donut.) Donut?
Lisa: Uhh... got any fruit?
Homer: This one has purple in it. Purple's a fruit.
Doctor: (Eating a hot dog) Delicious!
Homer: I've got the presciption for you, Doctor... another hot beef injection! (Hands him a hot dog)
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
Mr. Burns (Golfing with Homer): Use an open-faced club! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich.
Homer: For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "...you're making a scene."
Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat products.
Bart: You dunkin your sausages in that syrup, Home boy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Ah, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to,
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
Homer (Upon finding out he's been admitted to college): (Singing) I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!
Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is.
Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Homer: Woo hoo! Cheap meat!
Homer: Mmmm... beer.
Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step... slam)
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer:
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Homer: If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporthing events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer: Mmmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. 64 (munch munch munch)... 63 (munch munch munch) (cut to much later)
Homer: 2... (munch munch munch) ... 1 (munch munch munch)
Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.
Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer: I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! (Starts sobbing uncontrollably)
Homer: Ahhh... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
Homer: Awww... 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo hoo!
Homer (Looking at a "nudie deck"):"The girls of the internet." Ooh, I'd go online with them anyday!
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Homer: Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
Homer (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done (munch munch munch).
Homer: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical.
Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here, anyway.
Homer: To find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders.
Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o! And I wear the same stupid sweater every day and...
Homer: The Springfield river!
--
Posted: 2002-07-23 19:27:00
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Kids Say the Darn'dest Things
1. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied ...
"but what is growing in your butt?"
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2.It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?", he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
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3. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...
"Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No.You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!
"Five minutes later......"
Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
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4. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him,
"How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St.
Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
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6.It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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8. A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer. She's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's an actor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes miss." the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
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11. For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One Day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously distressed, but he made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12. On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour thy Father and thy mother,"
She asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
--
Posted: 2002-07-23 19:30:00
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Quote
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the
only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use
like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off
those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm
taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For
indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." ( news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly." (I don't blame the
company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
--
Posted: 2002-07-25 14:08:00
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