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another man walks in for the interview, and the interviewer says to the man "can you give me a sentence with "officiate" in?"
The man thinks for a but, and they says "A man got sick, because of a fish he ate!"
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Posted: 2007-07-31 14:21:17
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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
warm them up."
So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and the
boyfriend said "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl said "Put them between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm
them up".
So he did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter.
He said "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will
warm it up."
So he did and his nose began to get warm.
He lifted his head up from between the girls legs and said "Do you know
what? I think my penis is frozen solid"
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother,
and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "Well they make one hell of a mess when they
defrost, don't they?"
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Posted: 2007-08-01 10:32:41
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SOCIALISM: You have two cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
THATCHERISM : You have two cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have two cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh*t out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two sheep. The one on the left looks very attractive.
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Posted: 2007-08-01 10:36:19
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Very good - especially the Amish one.
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Posted: 2007-08-01 10:40:23
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If i get anymore i will post more
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Posted: 2007-08-01 10:41:04
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A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico city and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Mexican is stunned. The genie says "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want"
The Mexican begins thinking, well, I really like drinking tequila.
Finally he says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me wee tequila"
The genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass and wees in it.
He looks at the glass and its clear, it looks like tequila. then smells the liquid, it smells like tequila.
So he tastes it , it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.
He tells her to drink it, Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.
It is the best tequila she has ever tasted, the two drinks and party all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses from the cupboard, he fills both glasses the result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife "Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila" his wife gets the glass and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass, and when he fills it his wife asks him "But,
Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises his glass and says "BECAUSE TONIGHT YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE"
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Posted: 2007-08-01 10:49:58
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The Spoon . . .
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water and utensils I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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Posted: 2007-08-01 10:54:07
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@goldenface -
great joke there dude!!!!
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Posted: 2007-08-01 11:00:07
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On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"
"That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not," he inquired.
"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."
When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Blair replied, "That easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said! the Queen. "You may go, now."
So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?"
"Yes," said Bush. "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."
So Rove went and called a meeting o! f the W hite House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion, and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer.
So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.
As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State, Colin Powell, approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"
"That's easy," said Powell. "The child was me."
"Oh thank you," said Rove. "You may just have saved me my job!"
So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"
"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush. "The child was Tony Blair!"
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Posted: 2007-08-01 11:01:10
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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
(see each breed's answers below)
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Keep going down
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
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Posted: 2007-08-01 11:11:02
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