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I OWE MY MOTHER:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that this will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father! "

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"
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Posted: 2007-08-01 11:43:27
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With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with
respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her travelling on special occasions."

The minister inquired "trips to where"?

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph: "I'm going to go back and get her."
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Posted: 2007-08-01 11:52:03
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An excited man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge

fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say, "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

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Posted: 2007-08-01 12:59:20
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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the wife keeps staring at a drunken guy swigging his drink as he sits alone at a nearby table.

The husband asks, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's an ex-boyfriend. I heard he took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I heard he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the husband, "Who would think that he could go on celebrating that long?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man walks onto the stage of the English TV show "Stars in their
Eyes", on Crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. The
compare Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you
to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what
happened?'

'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when
we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright
but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours. Before I was
eventually cut free. the doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they
couldn't save my legs.'

'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they Artificial?' asks Matthew.

No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my
uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the
advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his
body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been
having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again
by the end of the year.

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Matthew responds with that's an unbelievable story". So tonight, who are you going to be?'

'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be " Simon and Halfuncle "
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Posted: 2007-08-01 13:45:10
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The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.

'E can clearly see my little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put thee American in 'is
place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,

"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

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Posted: 2007-08-02 12:02:28
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Some audiance may find the following joke offensive

If your British, your gonna love this one!

There are 3 men on a train.
An English man,
An American man,
An Indian man,

The train is very hot, so they decide to wind down the window.

The American, gets out some money and throws it out the window.
The English and Indian men, are quite confused.
"Why did you do that?" they said?
"Well, we have so much money in America, I feal like getting rid of some of it"

The Indian man, gets out a bag of rice, and chucks it out the window.
"Why did you throw out the rice"? The westerners said
"Well we have so much rice in India, im going to get rid of some"

The English man looks out the window, and chucks out the Indian!
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Posted: 2007-08-02 12:36:22
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A navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the navy man's truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.
Now, the rivalry between army and navy is well known, so needles to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the navy man changed heart and said, "Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."

The army man agreed this was a good idea. So the navy man offered, "Why don't we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck"

The army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the navy man, being a gentleman, offered the army man the first drink, and told the army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the navy man who said, "thanks, but I'll wait till the cops get here".
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Posted: 2007-08-02 12:43:31
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I have heard that joke several times lately but always with different people.
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Posted: 2007-08-02 13:09:33
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Yeah..been posted as young man and old man as few days back...

@goldenface: great work bro!
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Posted: 2007-08-02 13:50:59
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Thanks $herry mate, glad you liked them
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Posted: 2007-08-02 14:14:59
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