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Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the
only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use
like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off
those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm
taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For
indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." ( news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly." (I don't blame the
company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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Posted: 2002-07-25 14:12:00
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A family in the Southern Province of China were
> > puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandmother
> > arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the
> > daughters.
> >
> > The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the
> > coffin, with no space left in it ! When they opened
> > the lid , they found a letter on top which read as
> > follows:
> >
> > Dear Cousins, I am sending Ahma body to you since it
> > was her wish that she should be cremated in The
> > compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin . Sorry, I
> > could not come along. as all of my paid leaves are
> > consumed.
> >
> > You will find inside the coffin, under Ahma's body, 12
> > cans of Yohmeitsu, 10 packets of chocolates and
> > packets of Lap Chong. Please divide these among all of
> > you.
> >
> > On Ahma's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok
> > shoes(size 10) for Ah boy.
> >
> > Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei's
> > and Ah Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ahma
> > is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is
> > for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews.
> >
> > Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans
> > that Ahma is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch
> > that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ahma's left wrist.
> >
> > Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei, Ahma is wearing the necklace,
> > earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take
> > them. The 6 white cotton socks that Ahma is wearing
> > must be divided among my teenage cousins. Let me know
> > what else you need as Ah Kong is also not keeping well
> > nowadays I can send all required things when our
> > Ah Kong also............
> >
--
Posted: 2002-07-25 14:42:00
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> >A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play
> >date."Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks
> >over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her
> >age,it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How
> >much do you weigh?"
> >
> >"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are
really
> >none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and
> >daddy get a divorce?"
> >
> >"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away
as
> >"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
> >
> >"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's
> >license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that
> >night the little girl says to her mother,
> >"I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks,
> >"How did you find that out?"
> >
> >"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and
> >shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl
> >continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."
> >
> >"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies,
> >"Because you got an F in sex."
>
>
--
Posted: 2002-07-25 14:43:00
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--
Posted: 2002-07-25 15:02:00
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Here is a riddle for the intellectually minded.
The answer is at the end for those who cannot think this one
through!!
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides
of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is
getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are each thinking the
exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
>...................
>...................
>...................
>...................
>...................
>
>
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Don't look down.
--
Posted: 2002-07-25 15:27:00
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It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am
going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with
water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save
the righteous people and two of every kind of living
thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to
build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans
and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the
Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered
the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a
tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard
weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best,
but there were big problems. First, I had to get a
permit for construction and your plans did not comply
with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and
redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not
the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation
devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating
zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front
yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect
the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me
catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still
no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued
by an animal rights group. They objected to me only
taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me
that I could not complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had
no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the
universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of
the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right
now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am
practicing discrimination by not taking godless,
unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm
building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to
avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of
user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational
water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further construction of the Ark, saying that since
God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore
unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6
years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun
began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow
arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. You
mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
AMEN
--
Posted: 2002-07-25 16:59:00
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--
Posted: 2002-07-26 03:50:00
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Yeah man that one was funny.
--
Posted: 2002-07-26 09:24:00
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these are they best
--
Posted: 2002-07-26 15:03:00
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The dog of a pub landlord dies, so in his grief he removes the tail as a keepsake. At midnight that night the ghost of the dog visits the landlord and asks for his tail back. the landlord replies ' You know I cant retail spirits after hours'
--
Posted: 2002-07-26 19:07:00
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