News Forum Phone database

> New Topic
> Reply
< Esato Forum Index > General discussions > Garbage threads > Post Your funny Jokes Here Bookmark topic

Smart-ass Answer #1:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened

his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said,

Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."


Smart-ass Answer #2:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but

couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,

"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."


Smart-ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled

down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid

replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally

stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


Smart-ass Answer #4:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,

Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge

is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up

for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car

and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got

stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and
ran

out of gas."


and finally, the

SMART-ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR:


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's

final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here

tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or

illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses

whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked,

"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and

utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is

restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head,and

sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."

--
Posted: 2007-10-24 01:47:49
Edit : Quote


@king...

that oct 18 post really made my day... its wickedly hilarious and somehow downright honest!

cheers, mate!
--
Posted: 2007-10-24 06:08:21
Edit : Quote


Paddy is appearing on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.

Chris: "Paddy you've done very well so far. You've got £64,000 and
one life line left - phone a friend. The next question will
give you £125,000 if you get it right but, if you get it
wrong, you'll will be out of the game and drop to £32,000.
Are you ready?"

Paddy: "For sure Chris, I am."

Chris: "On the screen is a photo of a current Manchester United
player as a baby. Which Manchester United player is it? Now
think about this carefully, Paddy, it's worth £125,000.
You're only three questions away from one million pounds."

Paddy: "I think I know who it is... er, but I'm not 100% sure... no
I'm sure it's Beckham, I'm sure it's Beckham... Can I phone a
friend, Chris, just to be sure?"

Chris: "Yes Paddy, who do you want to phone?"

Paddy: "I'll phone Murphy."

(ringing)

Murphy: "Hullo?"

Chris: "Hello Murphy, it's Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to be a
Millionaire. I have Paddy O'Reilly here and he's doing really
well on £64,000 but needs your help to get to £125,000. This
is a visual question, we're faxing you the photo now. Have
you received it?"

Murphy: "Yes, Chris."

Chris: "The next voice you hear will be Paddy's. He'll explain the
question and you'll have 30 seconds to answer. Fire away
Paddy."

Paddy: "Hullo there, Murphy."

Murphy: "Hullo, Paddy."

Paddy: "Murphy, that photo is a baby picture of which current Man
United player. I'm sure it's Beckham, what do you think?"

Murphy: "It's never Beckham, it's obviously Smichael."

Paddy: "You think so, Murphy?"

Murphy: "I'm sure."

Paddy: "Thanks, Murphy."

(hangs up)

Chris: "Well, a difference of opinion there. Do you want to stick on
£64,000 or play on for £125,000, Paddy?"

Paddy: "I want to play, I'm so sure it's Beckham I'm going to go with
me first answer: Beckham."

Chris: "You're saying Beckham?"

Paddy: "I am."

Chris: "Are you confident?"

Paddy: "Yes... Fairly..."

Chris: "You have £64,000 and you saying Beckham. If you're right you
go up to £125,000 and if you're wrong you walk away with
£32,000. Is Beckham your final answer?"

Paddy: "It is, Chris."

Chris: "Paddy............ I'm afraid it was wrong, sorry Paddy. Here
is your cheque for £32,000. You've been a great contestant
and a real gambler. Audience, please put your hands together
for Paddy!"

(applause...)

Paddy: "Before I go Chris, what was the correct answer? It's killing
me."

Chris: "Andy Cole."

--
Posted: 2007-10-24 21:38:32
Edit : Quote




im sorry might be me, but i dont get that joke at all. if its even suppose to be a joke....



wtf man? funny stuff next time
--
Posted: 2007-10-24 22:35:08
Edit : Quote


[

im sorry might be me, but i dont get that joke at all. if its even suppose to be a joke....



wtf man? funny stuff next time

Do you know who the Man united players mentioned are? David Beckham is White english, Peter schmeichel is white and from denmark(i believe) Andy cole is Black english.
It is a play on the much used theory in jokes that irish people are stupid(not a theory i subscribe to)
Just because you dont think it`s not funny wtf doesnt mean it isnt

--
Posted: 2007-10-25 20:56:01
Edit : Quote


I didnt get it either until you explained. Dont know much about football and never heard of Andy Cole before.
--
Posted: 2007-10-26 01:07:46
Edit : Quote


sorry mate, but universal jokes needed lol if i knew the manchaster united team maybe it would have made sense to me. thanks anyways
--
Posted: 2007-10-26 02:03:00
Edit : Quote


One day I met a sweet gentleman and
fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up baked beans.


Some months later, on my birthday,
my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the
countryside I called my husband and told him that would be late because I had to
walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans
was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk
off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the
diner and before I knew it, I had consumedthree large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the
gas.


Upon my arrival, my husband seemed
excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a
surprise for dinner tonight!"

He then blindfolded me and led me to
my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to
remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the
blindfold until he returned and went to


answer the call.


The baked beans I had consumed were
still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while
my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight
to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my
napkin from lap and waved it around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I
ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!


Keeping my ears carefully tuned to
the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few
minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.


When eventually the telephone
farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it
feeling very relieved and pleased withmyself.


My face must have been the picture
of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He
asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the
blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy
Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--
Posted: 2007-10-28 20:00:56
Edit : Quote


@Lo-couk
My mobile phone rang just before I read the last paragraph. I was ready for the end then I had the chance for a pause. After I hang up the phone I read the end.

You should see me how I die with laughter. LOL

Thanks for the great joke. Now I have a great smile on my face
--
Posted: 2007-10-28 21:56:42
Edit : Quote


There are some black men in a car. Who's driving?

The policeman.


--
Posted: 2007-10-28 22:20:24
Edit : Quote

---

New Topic   Reply

Forum Index