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Dog Letters to God
Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.My head does not belong in the refrigerator.I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.I will not throw up in the car.I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpetI will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?
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Posted: 2007-12-05 13:17:19
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Cough it up or Loose it
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady... "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no" says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."
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Posted: 2007-12-05 23:39:54
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Why does Edward Woodward have so many D's in his name? If he didn't he'd be Ewar Woowar.
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Posted: 2007-12-07 11:22:36
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Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys
at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
--
Posted: 2007-12-10 22:33:05
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lol
hahah
finaly a good laugh at this despressing day
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Posted: 2007-12-11 13:23:25
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News just in:
The government has revealed the results of a poll today asking the British public if they thought that immigration levels were too high.
14% said 'Yes'
20% said 'no'
66% said 'JA nie poznaję ale być może'
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Posted: 2007-12-11 13:39:42
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On 2007-12-11 13:39:42, Cycovision wrote:
News just in:
The government has revealed the results of a poll today asking the British public if they thought that immigration levels were too high.
14% said 'Yes'
20% said 'no'
66% said 'JA nie poznaję ale być może'
--
Posted: 2007-12-11 18:40:05
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Story about Getting Even..........
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her, so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other, and constantly 'snip' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more, and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!'
Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
--
Posted: 2007-12-11 19:43:39
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I want to live my next life backwards :
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
--
Posted: 2007-12-11 19:47:20
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
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Posted: 2007-12-13 12:17:47
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