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what's the difference between a JCB and a giraffe?
One has hydraulics, the other has high bollo*ks...
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Posted: 2007-12-13 17:16:19
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> > The scene is Bishoploch Primary School, Glasgow.
> >
> > Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to
> > have a general knowledge quiz.
> >
> > The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and
>
> > not come back to school until Tuesday.'
> >
> > Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general
> > knowledge, so I am. This is goannae be a doddle!'
> >
> > Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our
>
> > country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
> >
> > Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.
> >
> > Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the front.
> >
> > 'Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss, the
> > answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'
> >
> > Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and
> > we will see you back in class on Tuesday.'
> >
> > The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more
> determined.
> >
> > Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight
> > them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never
> > surrender?' Wee Murray's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board,
> > shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'.
> >
> > Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front:
> > 'Yes Tarquin.'
> >
> > Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer
> > is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.'
> >
> > Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and
> > come back to class on Tuesday.'
> >
> > The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper; he's been
>
> > studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that
> comes.
> > He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation.
> >
> > Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for
> mankind?'
> > Wee Murray's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his
> > seat, jumping up and down screaming 'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I
> > know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'.
> >
> > Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front.
> > 'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy
> > English accent):
> >
> > 'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.'
> >
> > Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and
> > come back into class on Tuesday.'
> >
> > Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his
> > chair at the wall. He starts screaming: 'WHERE THE
F@&K DID ALL THESE
> > ENGLISH
B@ST@RDS COME FROM?'
> >
> > Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said
> > that?' Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door,
> >
> > 'Robert the Bruce, Bannockburn, 1314. See ye on Tuesday Miss!'
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Posted: 2007-12-13 17:22:20
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very funny, keep 'm comming...
i'm through all 131 pages by now.
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Posted: 2007-12-13 18:08:51
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Mr Darwin walks into the local police station after being missing for 5 years and said 'They can f**k off if they think i am ever going on holiday with the McCanns again'
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Posted: 2007-12-13 20:29:14
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Imagine my surprise when getting out the christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces was a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.
Such a shame because it was a puppy.
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Posted: 2007-12-13 20:38:03
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And you'll remember also the Irishman who got a job as a doorman in a big building. He managed very well with the PUSH and PULL signs, but he was seen struggling with his fingers under a door marked LIFT.
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Posted: 2007-12-13 20:42:11
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http://fknblazed.com/movies/snow.htm
quite good
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Posted: 2007-12-15 18:53:56
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Female Guinness Book Of Records
Car Parking:
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993.
She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
Incorrect Driving:
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987.
Dr. Thorn noticed a burning smell two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels.
This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering:
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins.
Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one.
To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre:
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991.
When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women.
The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing :
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits.
Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping:
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher.
After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles,a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit:
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party.
Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
Film Confusion:
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance.
This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".
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Posted: 2007-12-19 14:12:20
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while on the subject of record making ladies.. i just dont know what to say !!! to this.... !
.
Woman's farts ground plane
.
A plane had to make an emergency landing - after a passenger struck a match to cover up the smell of her flatulence.
The American Airlines flight from Washington to Dallas, Texas, landed in Nashville when travellers smelled burning.
All 99 passengers and five crew were led off the aircraft and luggage was unloaded.
The plane was searched burnt matches were found under a seat, reports the Sun.
The woman, who lives near Dallas, admitted she struck the matches because she was embarrassed by the smell she was making.
The woman, who has not been named, was released without charge but was not allowed back on the jet.
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source:
http://www.ananova.com/news/s[....]108428.html?menu=news.quirkies
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Posted: 2007-12-21 05:37:47
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What a good jokes. Really love this thread.
Hmmm
But I need more. . .
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Posted: 2007-12-22 18:40:01
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