News Forum Phone database

> New Topic
> Reply
< Esato Forum Index > General discussions > Garbage threads > Post Your funny Jokes Here Bookmark topic

A blind man and his guide dog enter a pub and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy shouts to the barman,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The barman is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind guy says, 'Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
--
Posted: 2008-01-01 15:05:50
Edit : Quote


what happened to this post, livin it up guys.
--
Posted: 2008-01-05 02:48:51
Edit : Quote


Old Man: " Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it' s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

" Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

" Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

" But ya f**k one goat . . . "
--
Posted: 2008-01-05 03:00:20
Edit : Quote


A man is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through the "Big Book" to see if he is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and
says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really
good in your life, but you never did anything bad, either. If you can
convince me of one REALLY good thing you think you did in your life,
you're in."
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time I
was driving down the road and saw this group of really scary hell's
angles torturing a poor girl.
"I slowed down, stopped, got out of my car, grabbed an iron bar out of
the boot, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang - a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his ear to his nose. As I approached him, the gang formed a circle around me.
"So, I ripped the chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the bar. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them. 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!' "
St. Peter was impressed and says, "Really? And when did this happen?"
"Oh, about three minutes ago."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?"

"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married
again.

She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.


On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel
chair.
with no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow
said.
"Just look at you... you have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on
you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled. "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in
bed ??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the
door bell, didn't I?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Several men are in the locker room at a Golf Club. A cell phone laying on the bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, its me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat and its only $1500. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: I also stopped buy the Mercedes dealership and found a new SL500 that I want."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$108,000"
Man: "OK, but for that price it better come with all the options."
Woman: "Great, Oh, and one more thing.... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: " Well, then go ahead and make them an offer of $900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! Love you."
Man: "Bye, Love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Man: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the doctors the other day and he told me 'You're going to have to stop masturbating.'

'Why?' I said.

'Because I'm trying to examine you' he said...


--
Posted: 2008-01-05 03:03:58
Edit : Quote


ill leave a few jokes, well there not realy jokes there brain teasers. answers at bottom of post.

Q1. A man and his son have a serious accident in a car, the man dies at the scene, the boy is pulled out of the crushed car and rushed to hospital, the boy needs serious operations, Special Operations Medical Sergeant comes in and says i cant perform on this boy as it is my son.
who is the sergeant?

Q2. The captain of a big ship was telling this interesting story: "Once I saw two marines standing on the opposite sides of the ship. One was looking to the west and the other one to the east. And they saw each other very well."
How can that be possible?

Q3. 13 men came into a hotel with 12 rooms and everybody wanted his own room. The bellboy solved this problem.
He asked the thirteenth guest to wait a moment with the first guest in room number 1. So in the first room there were two people. The bellboy took the third guest to room number 2, the fourth to number 3, ... and the twelfth guest to room number 11. Then he returned to room number 1 and took the thirteenth guest to empty room number 12.
How can everybody have his own room?

Q4. Two girls are born to the same mother, on the same day, at the same time, in the same month and year and yet they're not twins. How can this be?

Q5. I am looking at somebody's photo. Who is it I am looking at, if I don't have any brothers or sisters and the father of that man on the photo is the son of my father?

A2. The marines were standing back to the edge of the ship so they were looking at each other. It does not matter where the ship is (of course it does not apply to the north and South Pole).

A3. Of course, it is impossible. Into the second room should have gone the 2nd guest, because the 13th guest was waiting in room number 1.

A4. The two babies are two of a set of triplets. (you now that 1 got you thinking lol)

A5. I am looking at my son.
--
Posted: 2008-01-08 23:42:38
Edit : Quote


at christmas i got the misses a bag and belt,
she wern't to happy, but at least the f**kin hoover works again now
--
Posted: 2008-01-09 16:15:39
Edit : Quote


There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.

A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches I'd get it!"

A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it!"

A hunter thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear"

A mouse thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich!"

A cat thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse!"

Suddenly it all happened, the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water. The moral of this story is ...

"Every time time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet"

--
Posted: 2008-01-09 16:27:50
Edit : Quote


A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm sixteen!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're sixteen."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."
--
Posted: 2008-01-09 16:31:50
Edit : Quote




LMFAO!

That's a corker
--
Posted: 2008-01-09 17:26:30
Edit : Quote


love this :
3 Minute Meal - Tuna Melts
3 Minute Meal - Banana Split

[ This Message was edited by: not_me on 2008-01-10 12:49 ]
--
Posted: 2008-01-10 13:43:56
Edit : Quote

---

New Topic   Reply

Forum Index