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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
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Posted: 2008-03-20 16:13:00
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@Lesley
LMAO
That was funny
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Posted: 2008-03-20 17:03:25
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A teacher asks her class "Which part of the body gets 10 times bigger when excited?"
Little Suzy says "Miss, you are being rude, you should not ask questions like that to little children. You will get into trouble."
The teacher ignores her and repeats the question
Suzy shouts "I CANT BELIEVE YOU ASKED AGAIN!! WHEN IM GET HOME IM GONNA TELL MY DADDY WHO WILL REPORT YOU TO THE HEAD MASTER AND GET YOU SACKED!!"
Just then little Johnny puts his hand up and says "The answer is the pupils, miss"
Teacher says "Well, done Johnny. As for you suzy, 1. you didnt do your homework last night. 2. you have a dirty mind. and 3. you will be very dissapointed when u get older."
[ This Message was edited by: HornyNick on 2008-03-26 06:32 ]
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Posted: 2008-03-26 07:31:53
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On 2008-03-07 15:36:13, nicv27 wrote:
Three little ducks go into a bar...
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great .. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
pmsl,
Thats great lol
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Posted: 2008-03-26 20:29:43
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God was fed up, In a crash of thunder he yanked up to Heaven three
influential humans, George Bush, Russian President, and Bill Gates. "The
human race is a complete disappointment", God boomed. "You each have one
week to prepare your followers for the end of the world."
Then, with another crash of thunder they found themselves back on
Earth.
Bush immediately called in his cabinet. "I have good news and bad
news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a god. The bad
news is Gods really mad and plans to end the world in a week."
In Russia President announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news
and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, there is a god
after all. The worse news is Gods mad and is going to end the world in a
week."
Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have
good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of
the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed "The better news is
we dont have to fix Windows Vista any more."
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Posted: 2008-03-26 21:46:42
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A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails
down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her
nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed nails --
asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them
instead."
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Posted: 2008-03-26 21:58:09
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^:lol:
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Posted: 2008-03-26 23:35:01
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What does AIDS stand for?
Annaly Injected Death Sentence
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Posted: 2008-03-27 23:15:47
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Farmers divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
Farmer: "Yeah, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
Attorney: "Well, do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?"
Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I got a John Deere."
Attorney: "No, you still don't understand! I mean do you have a grudge?"
Farmer: "Yeah I got a grudge! That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes, sir, I got a suit! I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Farmer: "Nope, we both get up about 4:30."
Attorney: "Okay, let me put it this way... why do you want a divorce?"
Farmer: "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
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Posted: 2008-03-30 14:41:08
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A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
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Posted: 2008-03-30 14:50:21
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