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Posted: 2008-06-25 12:03:08
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now thats spot on!
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Posted: 2008-06-25 12:09:00
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MAKING A BABY
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.
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Posted: 2008-06-25 22:26:55
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Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me. I mean, what the f**k happened on the ninth of November anyway?
I was reading the Sun this morning when I saw the headline "John Leslie in Police Rape Quiz"
Imagine my disappointment when I realised it wasn't a game show.
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Posted: 2008-06-25 22:32:46
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What does WTC stand for?
What Trade Centre........
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Posted: 2008-06-27 22:18:21
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On 2008-05-27 12:00:10, haynesycop wrote:
Jeremy Clarkson & Amy Winehouse bump into each other at an awards ceremony and get chatting. She asks him;
"So what do you do?"
He replies; "Top Gear"
F@cking brilliant she says i'll have 3 grams.
lool so lame but still loool
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Posted: 2008-06-28 13:19:42
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Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
wait, shit
bash.org is the sh!t.
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Posted: 2008-06-28 18:40:40
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This one must have been posted before. Probably by me...
I man walks into a bar (yawn!), sits on a stool and orders a pint, and proceeds to fumble around in his inside jacket pocket.
He eventually pulls out a miniature grand piano and carefully places it on the bar. Then, he digs inside his pocket again and, much to the amazement of the barman who has been watching intently, pulls out a tiny little man in full formal dress. He places the man gently on the bar, and the man promptly starts playing the piano.
"That's bloody amazing!" Says the barman. "Where on earth did you get that?"
"Well," says the man, looking around suspiciously, "take a look at this..."
He then goes back inside his jacket pocket and pulls out a bottle. "In here, there's a Genie." he whispers. "Ask him for whatever you want but you'll have to speak up because he's a bit deaf." With that, he pulls the stopper out of the bottle and, surely enough, a genie appears.
"Clucking bell!" says the barman. "I'll have a million quid!"
POOOF! There's a big flash of light and all of a sudden the barman finds himself covered from head to toe in live, wriggling, slimy squid.
"What the hell?" He screams. "I didn't ask for this?"
"Tell me about it." Says the man. " Do you really think that I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
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Posted: 2008-06-28 19:05:33
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nice one Cyco, iv'e not heard it before.
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Posted: 2008-06-30 11:30:05
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Things I've Learned from My Children
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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Posted: 2008-07-02 10:53:03
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