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Why do blondes have more fun?
It's easier to keep them amused.
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Posted: 2002-07-31 15:12:00
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Classy things to say when stressed
1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"
2.. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"
3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
4. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
7. "Do I look like a nice people person!"
8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
9. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
11. "YOU!!... off my planet!!!"
12. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. Youchoose"
13. "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"
14. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"
15. "And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"
16. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
17. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
18. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
19. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
20. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable",,
21. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to sleep yet"
22. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
23. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
24. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"
25. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
26. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it."
27. "Not all men are annoying. Some aredead."
28. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
29. "Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done."
30. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
31. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
32. "Earth is full. Go home."
33. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
34. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
35. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
36. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."
37. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport"
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Posted: 2002-08-02 12:23:00
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http://www.deionarra.com/oldchangitour.swf>
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Posted: 2002-08-02 12:59:00
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You Might Be A Geek If...
If ten or more of these apply, I hope you work in the computer industry.
Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
You introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife".
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You want an 16x CDROM for Christmas.
Dilbert is your hero.
You can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
Your spouse sends you an e-mail to call you to dinner.
Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids` toys.
You use a CAD package to design your son`s Pinewood Derby car.
You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
It goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
You window shop at Radio Shack.
Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest science-fiction movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
You are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera`s flash attachment.
You don`t even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
You have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
You know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
You own "Official Star Trek" anything.
You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what`s inside.
A team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
You ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
You are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You have never backed-up your hard drive.
You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud.
You truly believe aliens are living among us.
You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is".
You see a good design and still have to change it.
The salespeople at Circuit City can`t answer any of your questions.
You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
You own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don`t remember where they are.
You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
You have more toys than your kids.
You need a checklist to turn on the TV.
You have ever introduced your kids by the wrong name.
You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
Your I.Q. is a higher number than your weight.
The microphone or visual aids at a meeting don`t work and you rush up to the front to fix it.
You can remember the passwords for seven different computers but not your wedding anniversary.
You have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.
You have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family`s first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
You know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use.
You can type 70 words a minute but can`t read your own handwriting.
People groan at the party when you pick out the music.
You can`t remember where you parked your car for the third time this week.
You ran the sound system for your senior prom.
Your checkbook always balances.
Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
You think that when people around you yawn, it`s because they didn`t get enough sleep.
You spend more on your home computer than your car.
You know what http stands for.
You`ve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
You have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
Your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
Your lap-top computer costs more than your car.
Your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate.
Your nutritional pyramid is made of empty Jolt cans.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.0 or higher."
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP`s access number.
You try to hum to communicate with a modem. You succeed.
The only jokes you know are on the web
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Posted: 2002-08-02 16:53:00
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1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy fcuks.
11. People in the 70's couldn't fcuk unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of @#%$ out of you if you shove your @#%$ in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before @#%$ both of you.
24. Women never have headaches.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's @#%$, it's important for him to remind her to 'suck it'
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and find a @#%$ there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
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Posted: 2002-08-02 20:52:00
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SI - "Doc, I've got an orange willy"
Doc - "What??"
SI - "My willy, it's turned orange"
Doc - "Umm, I'll have to look that up. It seems it could be a sign of
stress. Do you suffer from stress?
SI - "Not really"
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
SI - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I
worked 80 hours a week for pennies and then I got the sack"
Doc - "That sounds very stressful"
SI - "Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salary
and I feel really appreciated"
Doc - "Umm, what about your home life?"
SI- "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts
me down every chance she gets"
Doc - "That sounds stressful"
SI - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier"
Doc - "Umm, what about your social life?"
SI - "Social life? I don't really have one"
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
SI - "Watch porn and eat Wotsits"
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Posted: 2002-08-06 22:04:00
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hahahha, good one man
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Posted: 2002-08-07 09:15:00
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An Order of Spaghetti
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''
The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''
Logic beyond logic
Job Interview
During the colonial days, three friends went together to apply for a job.
The prospective employer was a cocky and nasty English manager.
Ah Chong was the first to be interviewed.
Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions, ready..?
Ah Chong: Yes Sir
Manager: What will happen if I poke your left eye with my finger?
Ah Chong: I will become partially blind, Sir!
Manager: What will happen if I poke the other eye?
Ah Chong: I will become totally blind, Sir!
Manager: Very well, wait outside. Next!
As Ali was going into the room, Ah Chong told his friend, just answer 'partially blind' and 'blind' and you sure pass!
Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions, ready..?
Ali: Yes Sir
Manager: What will happen if I poke your left eye?
Ali: I will become partially blind, Sir!
Manager: What will happen if I poke the other eye?
Ali: I will become totally blind, Sir!
Manager: Very well, wait outside. Next!
Ali came out and told Singh that Ah Chong was right, just answer 'partially blind' and 'blind' and you sure pass!
However, the manager suspected something fishy and decided to change the questions...
Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions, ready..?
Singh: Yes Sir
Manager: What will happen if I cut off your left ear?
Singh: I will become partially blind, Sir!
Manager: What will happen if I cut off your other ear?
Singh: I will become totally blind, Sir!
Angry Manager: Tell me how you'll go blind if I cut off your ears?
Singh: If you cut my left ear, my turban will drop one side and cover my left eye. If you cut off my other ear, my whole turban will drop and cover my eyes completely!
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Posted: 2002-08-07 14:05:00
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sorry if this has been posted before...
An E-Mail To The Wrong Wife
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail.
But due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife, whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor,let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her
family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know.
Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here!!!
Moral of the story, watch your fingers when you send out your emails!!!
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Posted: 2002-08-07 16:24:00
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.
"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"
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Posted: 2002-08-07 18:21:00
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