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A little British humour

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged French womans poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no-one in particular "Americans are so rude. Mt little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman siting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seen to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wroong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

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Thinking outside the box

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it does move and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

7. If you cant fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought:

Sompe people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
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Posted: 2008-08-16 12:22:11
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then you will have the sh*ts!
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Posted: 2008-08-16 13:22:11
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Absolutely brilliant lol
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Posted: 2008-08-17 00:53:54
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Hi people,

Do you know what the toilet said to Santa Claus the other day?

"...Oh, come on Santa, you always with the same gift "

JAJAJAJJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

End of Message.
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Posted: 2008-08-21 21:47:42
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This one is for everyone who... a) has kids b) had kids c) was a kid d) knows a kid e) is going to have kids.

A business man was packing a bag for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, the man reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

He went back to packing, looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

He said, 'What's wrong, sweetheart?'

She replied, 'What happened to my bogey
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Posted: 2008-08-21 22:13:25
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A young guy pulls a woman in a club. She is 61 but looks good for her age. On the way back to hers he starts thinking that her daughter would look good. When they arrive at hers she asks " would you like a sportmans double?" Confused, he replies "whats that?"
she says "Its a mother and daughter threesome."
"Sure! that would be great!" he says.
they walk through the front door, she clicks the light on and shouts "Mum, are you still awake?"
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Posted: 2008-08-23 14:01:32
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I apologise for this next one before I even post it.....

Another shit joke about cancer?

Oh goody


this is soooo close to the bone......

"I just don't get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick...... but no one says anything about Stephen Hawking being sh!t at football, do they?!"

Give credit where it's due, mate - he's great at dribbling.


_________________
The Romans didn't build an empire by having meetings, they did it by killing those who opposed them.

Daily Esato quiz...

[ This Message was edited by: fatreg on 2008-08-23 13:30 ]
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Posted: 2008-08-23 14:27:00
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A woman asks her husband, ''Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'' He declines. ''Thanks for asking, but I''m not hungry right now. It''s this Viagra,'' he says. ''It''s really taken the edge off my appetite.'' At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something.'' A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'' He declines. ''The Viagra,'' he says, ''really trashes my desire for food.'' Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. ''Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'' He declines again. ''No,'' he says, ''it''s got to be the Viagra . . . I''m still not hungry.'' Well,'' she says, ''Would you mind letting me up? I''m starving.''

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Tips of the Day
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment,always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.


Don''t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.


Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you''ll also be getting paid for it.


Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place..


Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.


Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,then urinating into it, before jumping in.


Don''t buy expensive ''ribbed'' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.


Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.


An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.


Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you''ve taken steroids by running a bit slower.


Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.


Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they''re always going on about how tofu,Quorn, meat substitute etc ''tastes exactly like the real thing'', they won''t know the difference.


Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you''d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements,tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.


Heavy smokers. Don''t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you''ll have enough to insulate your roof.


Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.


Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.


Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.


At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy ''Next customer Please'' sign for dyslexic shoppers.


Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes'' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.


A next door neighbour''s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.


AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to ''fast wipe'' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.


HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.


OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don''t know


If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don''t panic.Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto!The blockage is almost instantly removed.
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Posted: 2008-08-27 14:27:15
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Dunno if this has been posted earlier..:


- I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
- I do physical labor.
- I work at great depths.
- I plunge head first into everything I do.
- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
- I work in a damp environment.
- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
- I work in high temperatures.
- My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
- You do not work 8 hours straight.
- You fall asleep after brief work periods.
- You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
- You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working.
- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
- You will retire well before you are 65.
- You are unable to work double shifts.
- You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
- And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags


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Posted: 2008-08-27 17:59:04
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LMAO! Suspicious looking bags...
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Posted: 2008-08-27 18:09:30
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