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^ (whizzkid)
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[ This Message was edited by: shelly58 on 2008-08-27 17:11 ]
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Posted: 2008-08-27 18:10:14
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Ok here goes.... one more..
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".
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Posted: 2008-08-27 18:24:58
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A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says
"Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says
"No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says
"Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says
"Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.
As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him,
breaking bottles over his little jelly head,
lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood, turns to Smartie and says
"I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was", says Smartie,
"but those Lockets are menthol!"
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Posted: 2008-08-28 00:05:18
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Little Old Lady
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words,
what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on
my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since
my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that
I just laydown and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
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Posted: 2008-08-30 00:35:24
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'American English' seems to be a term used more and more often these days.
But why not just use 'illiterate'?
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Posted: 2008-08-30 12:33:34
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Here's one with almost some taste...
What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics?
Having legs
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Posted: 2008-08-31 21:58:22
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Scouse Vasectomy.
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put
it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Middlesborough, parts of Bradford and
anywhere in Wales,most southern States of USA,and Mexico
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Posted: 2008-09-04 15:20:57
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But not Oldham? Cheeky git!
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2008-09-04 15:03 ]
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Posted: 2008-09-04 16:01:16
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A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
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Posted: 2008-09-04 17:48:01
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn''t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate''s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk''s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
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Council complaints - These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He''s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can''t take it anymore.
3. It''s the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
5. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it had backfired and burnt my knob off.
6. And their 18 yr old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job to satisfy my wife.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6 a.m. His cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly, then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
19. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can''t get BBC2.
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An Englishman,Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, ''''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought �300 worth of meat because it was on sale and we don''t even have a fridge to keep it in.''''
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.''''Just last week, she went out and spent �17,000 on a new car,'''' he laments
''''and she doesn''t even know how to drive!''''
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''''Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it,'''' he chuckles.''''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece,i watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn''t even have a penis!''''
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Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork''s hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ''Let''s be avin'' da fingers and I''ll see what oi can do''.
Paddy said, ''Oi haven''t got da fingers.''
''Whadda ya mean you haven''t got da fingers? Lord Tunderin'' Jaysus, it''s 2008! We''s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn''t ya bring da fingers?!?''
And Paddy said, '' How da fock was I ''spose to pick dem up?''
[ This Message was edited by: HornyNick on 2008-09-04 17:05 ]
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Posted: 2008-09-04 18:03:27
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