News Forum Phone database

> New Topic
> Reply
< Esato Forum Index > General discussions > Garbage threads > Post Your funny Jokes Here Bookmark topic

LMAO
--
Posted: 2008-09-04 18:15:54
Edit : Quote





--
Posted: 2008-09-05 02:40:03
Edit : Quote



how does that work then?
--
Posted: 2008-09-05 09:24:41
Edit : Quote


Complaint letter to Nestle

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing with regards to an advertising campaign employed several months ago. The television adverts in particular, featuring “Shreddies™”, to which the slogan was “Keep hunger locked up ‘till lunch ©.”

These interesting infomercials demonstrated a very practical factor of the wholesome yet surprisingly tasty and nutritious squares of shredded wheat I was previously unaware of. I am of course referring to the whole wheat malted cereals’ capacity to be encapsulate a blue (what I believed to be animated) hunger causing character, until my afternoon meal (AKA lunch).

The process in question included cunningly awaiting the arrival of the creature and allowing him to drum a catchy rhythm on ones stomach, before consuming a portion of the malted parcels of Nestle™ goodness. Thus causing the dramatic captivity of the darkly shaded founder of famine, rather like a snare or bear trap.

However, after purchasing several packets of the aforementioned morningtime mayhem prevention, (47 in total) and laying in wait for the small, yet highly strung menace of elevenses to appear, so I could witness the imprisonment of “hunger” for myself, as the above commercial advertises “Keep hunger locked up till lunch ©.”

The underrated terrorist of AM snack times failed to even rata-tat-tat on my kitchen window, let alone pitter-patter on my lower abdomen.

This has led me to find some holes in the fibre fortified goodies “ploy”.

1. Upon performing my own research, I have noticed that the slogan “Keeps hunger locked up ‘till lunch ©” has been abandoned, as the box clearly now states the simple, but law suit due to false advertising free, “Keeps hunger locked up ©”, which brings me onto my next point…

2. As the period of time hunger is to be locked up ‘till is now shrouded in mystery, I would like to hear from the horses mouth (providing the horse has not got a mouth full of Shreddies™, or isn’t busy being used as living bass drum), if the period of “hungers’ incarceration is indefinite? Or will this spoon wielding maniac be let out on remand for good behaviour for a probationary period?

3. Upon inspection of the brand name Shreddies™, I have noticed a hidden message encoded within. This message reads, “SHRED DIES”. This rather disturbing, yet quite frankly feeble attempt at a subliminal message could be gesturing towards a number of possibilities:

3a. “Shred” is none other than the zaney hunger-monger, and as the message encoded on the packaging reveals, he dies. Does this mean that the mad rumble merchant is on death row?

3b. could also be an out of date insight into the cartoon and film series “Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles™”. To which Nestle™ have “predicted” that the main villain (SHREDder) dies.

4. My intricate research shows that it is likely that Nestle™ have genetically engineered this peculiar percussionist to spread his evil hunger seed, forcing people to buy Shreddies™ under the pretences that ingesting the anti starvation agent will imprison the navy coloured ne’er do well. It is down to Nestles’™ advanced technology (adapted from Japanese televisions) that after a pre-set length of time, the fibre prison “breaks down” releasing the sky tinted psycho back into society and onto another unsuspecting office worker or innocent shopper.

I cannot help but wonder if the campaign has been a big scam to rob loyal customers such as myself of our time and money.

I eagerly await your reply, and hope that it will include some kind of compensation or some detailed instructions on how to correctly activate the brown criss-crossed style cereal into a climax resulting in my “locking up hunger©”. Please do not hesitate co contact me if you have any queries in the matter.


Yours Sincerely,


Robert Murphy.

--
Posted: 2008-09-05 16:08:48
Edit : Quote


Complaint letter to Tampax (Hilarious)


Dear Sir or Madam,


I am writing to you with regards to a new product of yours, namely “Tampax Compak ©”.

As a man with a “sweet tooth” (not literally). I like to occasionally rummage through my girlfriend’s handbag, for a confectionary item or two, as she too has a weakness for sugary treats, boiled sweets for example.

I’m sure already, you can tell where this is going.

Having just recently seen your televised public safety announcements/ infomercials regarding the dangers of the new Tampax Compak © (without however actually addressing the dangers themselves) I feel devastatingly ashamed and embarrassed to take you through the events that occurred just a few days ago. I would have telephoned your free advise line, I am however, still unable to speak.

Upon meeting my unusually aggressive and tense girlfriend at a café in blue water shopping centre, we sat down and ordered our coffees.

Noticing what I thought to be a “sachet” of sugar in my girlfriend’s handbag, I delved in and retrieved what seemed to be an ordinary “sachet” of sugar. Instinctively I began to shake the sachet to get all the sugar to one end. It was at this point SHE piped up, almost yelling, I quote: “I thought you were on a diet, give me that back!”

Looking rather flushed she snatched the “sachet” from my grasp and marched off to the toilets. Sugar in hand.

My initial reaction was of course anger, thinking she was poking fun at my weight problem. I then decided to relieve my anger by satisfying my “sweet tooth”. So I took my girlfriends absence as a good opportunity to get another “sugar sachet” (or two) from her handbag.

I was livid when I found she had a whole box of them! She was supposed to be on a diet too! “No wonder she keeps complaining if stomach ache!” I thought to myself as grabbed a handful.

Quickly yet easily snapping the end off the attractive plastic wrapper, I was disappointed to discover the absence of sugar, however all was not lost, as I was delighted to find within some kind of “suck sweet”. “I love boiled sweets!” I thought as I stuffed a few into my pocket for the boring shopping journey that lay ahead of me.

None the wiser, my girlfriend returned looking a lot less “concerned” and surprisingly comfortable. I assumed it was her love for shopping. We finished our unsweetened coffees and proceeded to our tedious shopping excursion.

Fifteen minutes into the journey she “just popped in” to boots ©, for something or other. While I just sat outside, bored, with only the sight of the pretty till workers to keep me occupied.

I remembered my sweets as a young girl sat next to me; I offered her one, only to get a dirty look and a back to me as she walked off.

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMEN!!??” I shouted at her as she walked away.

Shaking my head in disbelief I popped a “sweet” into my mouth.

I sucked the ‘sweet’ and remember pulling an unsatisfied face due to the lack of flavour. I only wish that was the only thing unsatisfactory.

From here the next few hours are a bit of a blur. I can only go by what till workers, shoppers have told me and the CCTV images I have observed.

TAMPAX© (no matter how COMPAK© they are) are extremely absorbent.

Lucky enough this “sweet” was only of the “regular” absorbency, which I’m told is best for light to medium flow. Light to medium flow of what? I still wonder.

When my girlfriend ran outside to see what the commotion was about, she fought through the already gathering crowd, only to see me. WITH A RAPIDLY EXPANDING TAMPON IN MY THROAT.

Within minutes, my lips had gone blue and I had lost consciousness. I am told I have my girlfriend to thank for saving my life, as it was her who discovered the empty “sachet” and realised the simple remedy to the situation.

She quick thinkingly had opened my mouth and had found the ironically named “removal chord” stuck to the roof of my mouth. She relaxed, and pulled the chord in the same direction I had “inserted” the tampon into my throat. A little bit of mouth to mouth resuscitation and I was back.

Luckily the only two things that were damaged were my throat (temporarily) and my ego, as you can imagine.

I cannot help but think that marketing such dangerous objects as “sweets” is asking for things like this to happen.

I eagerly await your reply, and hope that it will include some kind of compensation. Although I most certainly do not want any more of your “sweets”. Please do not hesitate contact me if you have any queries in the matter.


Yours Sincerely,



Robert Murphy

--
Posted: 2008-09-05 16:21:01
Edit : Quote


At a bus stop 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'



£5.00 says you're gonna read this again. . .

--
Posted: 2008-09-05 17:41:02
Edit : Quote




Haha, that's the best bit. Even though the whole letter is brilliant.
--
Posted: 2008-09-06 05:20:15
Edit : Quote




That bit is great too.

Does Robert Murphy have any more of these letters? If so, where can I view them?
--
Posted: 2008-09-06 05:27:20
Edit : Quote


If quizzes are quizzical, then what are tests?


--
Posted: 2008-09-08 14:29:49
Edit : Quote


well tests will be testical but i was wondering if there is something like quizical
--
Posted: 2008-09-08 15:19:05
Edit : Quote

---

New Topic   Reply

Forum Index