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Ryanair pilot Paddy is flying into Manchester. The plane is in trouble, so he calls the tower & shouts, "HELP, HELP! Easter, Pancake Tuesday, New Year's Eve, Bank Holiday Monday, Halloween, Bonfire Night"!
Voice comes back and says, "For fukcs sake Paddy, it's Mayday"!!
Tesco installed a medical machine that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When Jim went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "U hav tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, Jim wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read: 1. Ur tapwater is too hard. Use softener. 2.Ur dog has ringworm. Giv it antibiotics. 3.Ur daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4.Ur wife is Xpecting twins. Not urs. Get a lawyer. 5.If u keep playing with yourself, ur elbow wont get better! Thank u for shopping at Tesco. X x
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Posted: 2008-10-23 22:30:19
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Worst joke ever:
http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/org/swil/JoelPage/purplejoke.html
(Its too long to post on here!)
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Posted: 2008-10-28 12:50:42
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You lost me at the 1st purple lol
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Posted: 2008-10-28 17:33:00
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My purple eyes hurt
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Posted: 2008-10-28 18:51:00
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If you cant be bothered just read the first couple of paragraphs to get the gist of it, then read the last couple of paragraphs. Its a really poor joke but if you tell it you can make up the purple story (the longer the story the worse the joke becomes!)
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Posted: 2008-10-28 19:01:33
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How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
Sara, London, UK
What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Niall Davidson Petch, Lincoln, UK
An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son: 'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"
Anthony, Paris, France
Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"
Phil, London, UK
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
Daniel, Calgary, Canada
What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons? The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's
Rob, London, UK
Why did the Banker cross the road? - Because he stapled himself to the chicken.
Charles Brockley, Norwich , Norfolk, UK
What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Tom, London, UK
We've been playing office bingo with phrases like "In The Current Climate.." to see how many times we hear it in a week..
Jen, Ipswich, UK
I've re-named my morning bowl of muesli at the desk Credit Crunch.
Robert Fulford, London, UK
Three investment bankers are sitting outside a coffee shop, sipping glumly on their cappucinos. The first one says "It's terrible, I have lost five million on my accounts this morning, there is no way to recover my losses. When I get back inside I'm going to go past my office, up to the fifth floor, open a window and jump out" The second one says "You think that's bad; I've lost nine million on my accounts in the last hour, I have nothing left. I'm going to ride the lift all the way up to the ninth, open a window and jump out" The third one says "I'm glad our building only has fourteen floors."
Bob, High Wycombe, UK
The last time Iceland had a crash like this aisle three was closed all day.
Stuart Harley, West Malvern, UK
Q: Why are all MBAs going back to school?
A: To ask for their money back.
G. Reinis, Lafayette, CA USA
I had a cheque returned earlier. "Insufficient Funds" Mine or the banks?
Pyers Symon, Worcester
What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets
Stuart Harley, West Malvern, UK
Money talks. Trouble is, mine only knows one word - goodbye.
Nigel Macarthur, London, UK
What is a banker's favourite chocolate bar? A credit crunchie!
Susanna Page, Chiddingfold, UK
Why didn't the little boy get any pocket money this week?
Cos his Mum's gone to Iceland!
Susanna, Chiddingfold, UK
For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...
John Green, Chessington, Surrey, UK
Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.
Jez, Frodsham,UK
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Emma Ives, Dorking, Surrey, UK
Funnily enough, I run a creative thinking course which uses comedy to demonstrate how novel solutions can be found. When I approached the banks with the idea of running the course for their staff, they laughed. I bet they're not laughing now...(to paraphrase Bob Hope).
Ivor Tymchak, Wakefield, UK
Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
Sottovoce , Cambridge, UK
QUESTION: How do you successfully freeze your financial assets?
ANSWER: Invest in an Icelandic bank
Madeleine Smallman, UK
Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday!
Geoff
Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...
David, Cambridge, UK
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Posted: 2008-11-05 07:28:01
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The Italian Job
In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.
Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.
When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.
At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts
scroll down wait for it
"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!""
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Posted: 2008-11-06 14:40:16
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I was disgusted when I saw Asda selling tins of baby peas...
Surely it's a bit too soon.
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Posted: 2008-11-18 23:16:06
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Ok to get this joke i have to explain. In my country pontoi are kinda like retarted hillbillies and are used for retarted hillbillyjokes. Not that im saying all hillbillies are retarted but just saying that its in that stereotypical form.
One day 3 pontoi where walking along a path one day. They see 3 germans and the germans see them(it was WW2). They get chased and lose them for a while by hiding n a well. They go to each other and say that what ever a german says its repeated 3 times. So the germans come up to the well. One german goes man we lost them. Mabye there in the barn? And the 3 pontoi go mabye there in the barn mabye there in the barn mabye there in the barn... The second german goes mabye there in the car and the three pontoi go mabye there in the car mabye there in the car mabye there in the car.... and the 3rd geman goes mabye there in the well and the three pontoi mabye there in the mountains mabye there int he mountains mabye there in the mountains!
Get the joke? Netiher did i the way i posted it.
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Posted: 2008-11-19 22:35:42
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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
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Posted: 2008-11-22 04:15:26
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