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The Zen of Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and leaky tire
3. It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes
9 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12 If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up
AND
22 .. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
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Posted: 2009-10-09 01:24:19
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@masseur, I've read most of them before, but they still made me grin when I read them again. Good one, it's just the thing I need to brighten up my bad day. Thanks!
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Posted: 2009-10-09 03:34:00
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What's Japanese word for same-sex intercourse?
Assuka.
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Posted: 2009-10-09 08:48:00
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no offence meant
(I too am from India)
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The Great Indian Magic
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One from Bangladesh, another from India and the third, from China.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".
The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".
The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."
"Done!" Replies the official.
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Posted: 2009-10-10 20:22:53
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for those interested.. guidelines to have.. Safe..
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Posted: 2009-10-17 18:54:23
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Woman takes 16-year-old daughter to Doctor
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant -- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
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Posted: 2009-10-28 14:43:06
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2 Irishmen working in a field, Paddy is digging holes, Mick is filling them in.
After 9 holes a woman asks,
"Why are you digging a hole & the other lad is filling it in?"
Paddy replies, "There's usually 3 of us, but the lad who plants the trees phoned
in sick today."!
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Posted: 2009-10-28 18:31:19
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Thesaurus: hero = male hero, heroine = female hero. cocaine = female cocksucker, coca = male cocksucker.
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Posted: 2009-10-30 06:51:00
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I can't believe it! British Broadcasting Corporation has taken Republican side!
Why so?
Can't you hear that in the beginning of news they always say "from Bush's House..."?
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Posted: 2009-11-02 05:31:00
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yo mammas so short you can see her legs in a passport
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Posted: 2009-11-02 22:42:58
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