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WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!
1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5) Are You Andy or Barney?
6) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer
7) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
I pay your salary!
9) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12) When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
13) What? You need a license to drive?
14) Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!
15) Is your power a penis substitute?
16) Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk
17) Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.
18) Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.
19) Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?
20) A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind
21) Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?
22) Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.
23) Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence
24) Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?
25) Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too
26) My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal
27) Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
28) Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?
29) You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me
30) In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?
31) If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight
32) Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?
33) Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either
34) Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut
35) Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
36) Do you have any idea who you're talking to?
37) There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.
38) What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol
39) That uniform makes your ass look really big.
40) You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
41) I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
42) So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
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Posted: 2002-08-15 11:10:00
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Posted: 2002-08-15 12:38:00
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I think I'm going to put all these on a web-site. What ya think?
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Posted: 2002-08-19 12:59:00
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man goes into jewellers and starts scratching his arse like mad.
jeweller threatens to kick him out,
man says "but your sign says come in and pick your�ring in comfort"
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Posted: 2002-08-19 21:51:00
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HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well
creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts,
leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat
steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and
after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
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Posted: 2002-08-22 00:58:00
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Posted: 2002-08-22 19:49:00
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cool .. finally i found a reciepe i can be good at ..
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Posted: 2002-08-22 19:57:00
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It was my forty-fifth birthday. I knew my wife would say "Happy Birthday." She didn't even say, "Good Morning." I thought, maybe the children will remember. The children didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, its such a beautiful day, let's go to lunch, just you and me." That was the best thing I had heard all day and I agreed. We went to lunch, into the country to a little private place. On the way back, she said, "You know, we don't need to go back to the office, do we? Let's go to my apartment." After arriving there, she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something comfortable."
Sure, I replied excitedly. In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing "Happy Birthday" and there on the couch I sat... naked.
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Posted: 2002-08-23 10:53:00
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OFFICE SARCASM
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me,
and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives
me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't
open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic
and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be
injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is
priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it
could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me
with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD
have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living
increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
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Posted: 2002-08-23 18:40:00
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Most of these are awful (if not all of them)
A lorry load of red paint crashed into a lorry load of blue paint. The
drivers were marooned for hours.
A lorry load or terrapins crashed into a lorry load of tortoises. It
was a turtle disaster.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at
the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks.
"No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned in to a field.
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The
barman says "I'm not serving you two!" "Why?" asked the brain.
The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to
start something."
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own vimto.
A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear,
and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers
office: "There's a woman to see you, she's �100 in arrears."
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was
stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened
criminals.
Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?
In Iraq.
A plane load of spit crashed into the sea, there were no salivas...
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Posted: 2002-08-23 18:42:00
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