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here's this week's instalments of HAHAs....bon apetite guys....
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
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Posted: 2002-10-22 17:16:00
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more to go:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. There were twelve disciples, not ten.
4. The communion wafer is consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not generally referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out o him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper He said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Posted: 2002-10-22 17:18:00
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and in an unrelated incident:
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for awhile, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"
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Posted: 2002-10-22 17:19:00
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Painful...real painful:
"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for"? asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done", replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly"? asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "but its against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operations and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his IV stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there", says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well", said the patient. "I finally decided after 37 years that I would like to be Circumcised."
Arthur stared at him in horror....."Shit, THAT'S THE WORD!!!!"
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Posted: 2002-10-22 17:20:00
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Size does matter:
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "DDDDDoc, I've bbbeen stuttterrrering for yeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Caaaan yoooou hellllp me?"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on." So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "Weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc?
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhaat caaan we dddo?"
The doctor says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy replies, "DDDDDoooo it!" The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."
The doctor says, "NNNNope a ddddeal's aaa dddddeal!!!
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Posted: 2002-10-22 17:21:00
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This is it......till the next round....i've saved the best 4 last....hope u like this one as much as i did:
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL!!
IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I
was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on
the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
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Posted: 2002-10-22 17:26:00
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How to shower like a WOMAN:
Take off clothing, place in sectioned laundry basket according to lights, dark, handwash, etc.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
Squeeze legs/arse to show cellulite, complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Wash hair with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with added vitamins.
Wash hair again with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil.
Leave hair for 15 mins.
Wash face with apricot facial scrub for 10 mins until red raw.
Wash entire body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse off conditioner.
Shave armpits and legs.
Consider shaving bikini line, but decide to get waxed instead.
Turn off shower.
Spray mould spot with bath cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry hair with a towel the size of a small African country.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
Take one and a half hours to get dressed.
How to shower like a MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave in a pile.
Walk naked into bathroom.
If see wife, wave knob at her while shouting "WHEY HEY".
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see manly physique.
Admire size of knob in mirror and scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower.
Wash face.
Wash armpits.
Wash bollocks and the surrounding area.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in shower.
Wash arse leaving hairs on soap.
Shampoo hair.
Make mohican hairstyle with shampoo.
Pull back curtain to look at self in mirror.
Piss in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole duration of shower.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and look at size of knob AGAIN.
Leave shower curtain open and bathroom light on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife pull off towel shout "YEAH BABY" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterday's clothes and pants.
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Posted: 2002-10-22 19:56:00
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That's a good one.
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Posted: 2002-10-22 20:12:00
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the cream of the crop!!!
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Posted: 2002-10-23 15:54:00
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The scene is a dark jungle in Africa.
Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, already." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of
the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger,
"What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a
lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!".
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Posted: 2002-10-23 16:31:00
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