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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her
horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My
husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" She replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered
he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only if it's raining."
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Posted: 2002-11-01 18:38:00
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Posted: 2002-11-02 11:01:00
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more than happy wiv that
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Posted: 2002-11-02 12:39:00
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That's cool
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Posted: 2002-11-03 16:03:00
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Do u believe in love at first sight or do I have 2 walk by again
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Posted: 2002-11-03 18:59:00
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That's not a funny joke, just a cheesy chat-up line!
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Posted: 2002-11-03 23:36:00
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A guy comes in to a pub and notice a jar of money on the counter.
He asks what it is there for and the bar tender tells him to put a ten pound note in it before he can reveal the secret.
After having done so he's told he can win the whole jar by doing 3 exersices.
1 drink a whole bottle of Scotch, bottoms up with no funny faces.
2 free the pit bull in the back yard for it's tooth ace by pulling out it's tooth with his bare hands.
3 free the 90 year old woman upstairs for her virginity.
I'll give it a go the chap says.
1 bottle of scotch, no problem...
Off into the back yard. Screaming, shouting and all sorts of sounds you would combine with pain was heard in the pub. Then, silence....
The guys in the bar thought the cappie was dead by now. Then all of a sudden he stumbles in, ripped shirt, blood all over and really looked like he'd had a hard time out there.
"OK!" he shouts "So where is this 90 year old bat with a tooth ace?"
_________________
[ This Message was edited by: tranquil on 2002-11-04 14:16 ]
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Posted: 2002-11-04 15:08:00
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Oh, just had these on an e-mail at work...
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking
like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had
something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast,
and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling
home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the
road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy,
"It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul.
He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick
O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella
that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy?
Shamus stumbles around a bit,
awkwardly lights a match to see what else is
written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one
night and, of course, his car is weaving
violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
"where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest, "that a few
intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin'to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.
"Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda.
He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no.
Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his
Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father.."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles:
"Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either".
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Posted: 2002-11-04 15:16:00
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OK.... is there anyone left in here who HASN'T posted the "Miles from Dublin" joke?
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Posted: 2002-11-04 15:42:00
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Sorry...
I didn' even know it was there, I only copied a e-mail I got whilst writing the one before my last post. I know, I probably should have read thrug them before flinging them in here.
Please forgive me...
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Posted: 2002-11-04 17:51:00
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