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no worries....still funni tho.....
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Posted: 2002-11-05 06:52:00
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--
Posted: 2002-11-05 09:59:00
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This one then?
> THE DIRTY MIND TEST
> 1. What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same
> as intercourse?
>
> 2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
>
> 3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches
> long, has a head on it, and that women love so much, they
often blow it?
>
> 4. What word starts with f and ends with uck?
>
> 5. Name five words that are each four letters long, ends in unt.
> One of which is a word for a woman?
>
> 6. What does a dog do that you can step into?
>
> 7. What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if
you can't get one you can use your hands?
>
> 8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a
> girl fat?
>
> 9. What four letter word ends in it and is found on the bottom of
> birdcages?
>
> 10.What is it that all men have one of, is longer on some
> men, the pope doesn't use his, and a man gives to his wife
> after they are married?
>
>
> The Answers:
>
>
> THE DIRTY MIND TEST
> 1. What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same
> as intercourse?
> talk
> 2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
> legs
> 3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches
> long, has a head on it, and that women love so much, they
> often blow it?
> A £10 note
> 4. What word starts with f and ends with uck?
> firetruck
> 5. Name five words that are each four letters long, ends in unt.
> One of which is a word for a woman?
> bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
> 6. What does a dog do that you can step into?
> pants
> 7. What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if
you can't get one you can use your hands?
> fork
> 8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a
> girl fat?
> a Snickers bar
> 9. What four letter word ends in it and is found on the bottom of
> birdcages?
> grit
> 10.What is it that all men have one of, is longer on some
> men, the pope doesn't use his, and a man gives to his wife
> after they are married?
> their surname
--
Posted: 2002-11-05 13:13:00
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One more today...
>
> I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
>
> Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them
>
> I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
>
> Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive
>
> WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
>
> You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
>
> BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore
>
> I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made
>
> So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
>
> Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
>
> I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing
>
> I'm just driving this way to pee you off
>
> Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
>
> Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
>
> It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you
>
> I took an IQ test and the results were negative
>
> Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
>
> Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes
>
> If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you
>
> 1,000,000 sp*rm and YOU were the fastest??
>
> Jesus loves you, the rest of us think you're an idiot
>
> Forget world peace - visualize turning off your indicator!
>
> HANG UP AND DRIVE!
>
> Where there's a will...I want to be in it!
>
> Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
>
> I have the body of a God .......... Buddha
>
> This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me
>
> If we quit voting will they all go away?
>
> This bumper sticker exploits illiterates
>
> Eat right, exercise, die anyway
>
> Honk if anything falls off
>
> I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere
>
> He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit
>
> He who laughs last thinks slowest
>
--
Posted: 2002-11-05 13:22:00
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Yeah, don't fret over it tranquil...
but i heard that one before too...
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking?
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you,
I've changed my mind.
I must admit,
you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married.
But not to you.
Happy birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time...
what say we stop now?
I'm so miserable without you.
It's almost like you're here.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
[ This Message was edited by: ShawO on 2002-11-05 13:00 ]
--
Posted: 2002-11-05 13:56:00
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@Tranquil
"Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them "
Love that - my new motto if you don't mind me nicking it!
--
Posted: 2002-11-05 15:21:00
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Did I say that? Yes I did, didn't I? God, that's terrible...
--
Posted: 2002-11-05 15:38:00
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OK...
To make up for that, here is a bit of moral foy you
Moral of the donkey
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
-
-
-
-
-
Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back and kicked the shit out of the farmer that tried to bury him.
Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
--
Posted: 2002-11-06 10:26:00
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A German corporation
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
An Italian corporation
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A Russian corporation
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting and open another bottle of vodka.
A Swiss corporation
You have 5,000 cows none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A Hindu corporation
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A Chinese corporation
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A Welsh corporation
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute.
An English corporation
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
--
Posted: 2002-11-06 14:49:00
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A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.
"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''
''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.
''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!"
''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!''
''Damn, that really is a drag!''
''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!''
''That would sure mess up my day."
''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!''
--
Posted: 2002-11-06 14:53:00
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