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Cheeky. Bastid.
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Posted: 2002-11-12 19:02:00
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lol
--
Posted: 2002-11-12 19:04:00
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The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter
evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples
eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at
them.
You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a
couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or
more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his
order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple
took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the
tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one
drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it
in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully
counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly
placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink,
his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to
get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That
poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came
over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another
meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were
just fine. Theywere used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged
them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady
explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly
with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again, he came
over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being
politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old
lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. "
What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "The Teeth"
--
Posted: 2002-11-15 09:50:00
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A guy's in the bar when an alien from outer space walks
through the door and sits next to him.
The drunk thinks nothing of it, trying to maintain good inter-
galactic peace, and all.
The alien orders himself a drink. When he's halfway through
with the drink, he licks his green finger, and then sticks the
finger in the drunk's ear.
The drunk's irritated, but again, in the interest of seeing there's
no interstellar war, he says nothing.
The alien pulls his finger out, finishes his drink, and then
orders another one. Once he reaches the half-way point in
that drink, he again licks his finger, then puts that finger into
the drunk's ear.
"Hey, Buddy, how 'bout let's lay off the ear pokin', what do you
say?"
Well, as you know, halfway through the alien's third drink, the
alien licks and sticks once again. The drunk has forgotten his
peaceful ways and says, as forcibly as he can, "Look,
asshole, if you do that again, I'm gonna rip your balls off!"
The alien orders one more drink. Stirs it for awhile . . . and,
you guessed it, licks that green finger and again sticks it right
in the drunk's ear.
"Goddammit!!!" the drunk roars, and reaches between the
alien's legs to carry out his threat. But there's "nothing there".
The drunk's a little confused. "Man, if you've got no balls,
then how do you screw?"
The alien licks his finger and sticks it in the drunk's ear.
--
Posted: 2002-11-15 09:51:00
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A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower
upstairs. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up
to his wife at the bathroom window, "Where is the rake?" She can't
hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee, and
finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says,
"What?!" The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE...THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first
points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she
points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that
one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the
friggin' hell was THAT?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH."
--
Posted: 2002-11-15 09:53:00
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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three
sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of
the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow
was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to
her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke
to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the
hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When
he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She
said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you
will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your
parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four
times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid
drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid
said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I
will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven
times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him
in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in
the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless
prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And
there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right
if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young
son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The
mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said,
"Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was
reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times
in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect
health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty
times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
--
Posted: 2002-11-15 09:54:00
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A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when
her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The
Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically
trying to break them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass,
and the action immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.
The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but
he can't take it!"
--
Posted: 2002-11-15 09:55:00
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar
behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The
man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there.
He approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar?"
The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass
three tests then you get all of the money."
"What are the three tests?"
"Pay first. Those are the rules."
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the
jar with the other bills.
Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do.... First you have to
drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once
AND, you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore
tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm
in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
The man responds, "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not
an idiot, I can't do all that... it's impossible!
"Well, you asked, and I told you... those are the rules, and your
money stays in the jar."
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat
teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs
it with a big slurp.
Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge
scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and
eventually silence.
Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all
over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
--
Posted: 2002-11-15 09:56:00
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Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby was a man?
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you,
so
he goes for the next best thing -- your sister. Far from being an
issue,
this can bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins
involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your
relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal
and
don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
********************
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per
spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a
great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you
to
perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely
painful for a man.
This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him, buy him
a
nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
********************
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The
man
is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from
being
pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful
affair, and to get back to you is a relief for him. Just look at how
emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. The
best
thing to do is to buy him a expensive present,and cook him a nice meal
and
don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
*******************
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess
with
it, do it in your own time. To help with thefamily budget you may wish
to
videotape yourself while doing this, and sell it. To ease your selfish
guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present,
and cook him a delicious meal.
**********************
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not
love
your man as much as you should -- he has to work a lot to get you in the
mood.
Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him a
nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
********************
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating
feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to
him
and show your love to him by buying a nice, expensive present, and don't
forget to cook him a delicious meal.
--
Posted: 2002-11-15 09:58:00
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A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument,
and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband
sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
******
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a
large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get
his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me
through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey
--
Posted: 2002-11-15 09:59:00
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