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Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten
out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her
daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the
world.
Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter
immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it
was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for
six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And
we know what that means.
One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she
undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy
panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the
panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting
lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing
there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except
that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"
He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."
--
Posted: 2002-11-15 10:00:00
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The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every
single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her
to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my
business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were
by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to
fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
--
Posted: 2002-11-15 10:01:00
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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
> He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100
> dollars?"
>
> "Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away. He turns around,
> runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
> "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
> "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs again
> around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite your
> breasts for 10,000 dollars?"
> She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm 10,000 dollars eh?
> Ok, but not here.
> Let's go to that dark alley over there" So they go to that alley and she
> takes off the blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
>
> As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and starts caressing them,
> fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but no biting.
>
> In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks:
> "Are you gonna bite them or what?"
> "Nah", he replies. "Too expensive."
>
--
Posted: 2002-11-20 14:17:00
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Why do women have legs?
- So they don't leave snail tracks on the linoleum floor!
--
Posted: 2002-11-22 10:43:00
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What's the Blonde's cheer?
"I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N...........ah, oh well, I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea!"
--
Posted: 2002-11-22 10:46:00
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What does DNA stand for ?............... National Dislexic association.
--
Posted: 2002-11-22 11:29:00
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News just in: Michael Barrymore will not be appearing in pantomine this Christmas, apaprently he's already done a-lad-in already this year
--
Posted: 2002-11-22 14:42:00
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guys, my contribution this week, bon apetite (no pun intended!!!)
SHIT LIST – Nothing But Excrement!!
THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.
THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
THE BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit".
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN SHIT
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushing.
THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs. DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shit. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
NO MORE SHIT
No, I’m serious. This is the end...
--
Posted: 2002-11-23 03:29:00
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African Rituals
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African tribe
whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain
age, a string is tied around their penises and on the other end is a
weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked down at him and said, "Whadaya say we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string
and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal
experiment coming?"
"Well, it looks like we're half way there," he replied.
"You've grown to 12 inches?!"
"No . . . it's turned black."
--
Posted: 2002-11-25 09:08:00
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An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
--
Posted: 2002-11-27 14:54:00
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