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The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and
she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything.
During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a
male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the
meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your
Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only
following doctors' orders.
"His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep
overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he
has been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a very
real danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."
"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a nubile young nurse was giving
a
patient a blow job.
"Oh my", said the Queen,"What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA.
--
Posted: 2002-11-29 10:26:00
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Nice 1 Mark
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Posted: 2002-11-29 14:35:00
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Where do I sign for BUPA cover?
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Posted: 2002-11-29 14:50:00
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A travelling salesman visits a small town in Saskatchewan and sees a
circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman"
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets
blare and all eyes turn to the centre ring. There, spot lit in the
centre ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is
an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifts his kilt, whips out a huge penis and smashes
all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause
as the elderly Scot is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a
faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing
Scotsman." He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still
doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the centre ring is
illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on
the table. The Scotsman stands before them, then suddenly lifts his
kilt and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible," he tells the Scotsman. "But I have to know
something. You're older now. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well", says the Scot "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be."
--
Posted: 2002-11-29 14:54:00
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THREE MICE
>
>Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at
>night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
>
>The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass, on to
>the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie
>on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it
>in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then
>make off with the cheese."
>
>The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after
>the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and
>replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take
>it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so
>can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
>
>The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
>
>The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long
>sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. Gotta
>go home and have sex with the cat."
--
Posted: 2002-12-02 10:41:00
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Just to brag a bit for being Norwegian
+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Norway, so we'll start here. People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
The Norvegians are out in the sun, getting a tan.
+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Norvegians plant flowers in their gardens.
+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Norvegians are cruising in cabriolets.
0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Oslo Fjord gets a little thicker.
-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Norvegians have their final barbecue before winter.
-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Norvegians start using long sleeves.
-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Norvegians end their Midsummer celebrations.
Autumn is here.
-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Norvegians start drying their laundry indoors.
-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Norvegians stand in line at the hotdog stands.
-50°C / -58°F >
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Norvegian army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.
-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Norvegian army goes out on winter survival training.
-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Norvegian cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.
-273°C / -459.4°F
ALL atom-based movent halts.
The Norvegians start saying "Faen, it's cold outside today."
-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over, Norway wins the Eurovision Song Contest.
--
Posted: 2002-12-13 13:00:00
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Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree went off for the weekend. It was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street. He was a Fishermans Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar. He had a Rum and Butter. She had a
Wine Gum.
He asked her name. She said Polo - I'm the one with the hole (but I'm the
one with the Nuts he thought), then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in at the hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury
turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he
slipped his hand into her Snickers and rubbed her Double Deckers. Then he
showed her his Curly Wurly and she tasted his Brandy Balls.
But Ms Rowntree wasn't too keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, so
she let him dip into her Chocolate Fudge.
He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge nudging. It was a Magic
Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. She wanted a Moro, but
he decided to take a Time Out, because he thought she was about to have a
Kit Kat.
However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising.
So, he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert. At the same time he
gave her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife Caramello.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught VD. It turns out Ms Rowntree
had a Box of Assorted Creams. She really had been with All Sorts.
--
Posted: 2002-12-13 13:05:00
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"Mom, I don´t want to go to America!" - "Shut up and keep swimming!"
--
Posted: 2002-12-13 13:49:00
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There is a legend that goes like this: In a bar in NYC there's a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell the truth it will grant you a wish. If you lie- poof it swallows you up.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror and the redhead goes first. She says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth."
Poof!- the mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up. She says, "I think I'm the 6iest woman on Earth."
Poof!- the mirror swallows her up.
Last is the blonde. She says, "I think....."
Poof!
What do Budweiser and a couple making out in a cano have in common?
-They're nice close to water.
--
Posted: 2002-12-13 13:57:00
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hehe tranquil i´ve heard finns telling your last joke, only they were the heros in it!
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Posted: 2002-12-13 13:58:00
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